


Hospital Visits (Camren)

by xallets



Category: Fifth Harmony (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-26
Updated: 2017-11-04
Packaged: 2018-07-18 08:13:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 31,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7307029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xallets/pseuds/xallets
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Camila and Lauren are both admitted to a psychiatric hospital in Miami. They're watching each other go through the worst parts of their lives, and that makes them fall for each other, in time.<br/>Trigger warning: attempted suicide (only in 1st chapter), quick mention of rape (no one is raped, there's nothing of that sort in the story), mentions of self harm, mental illnesses, all that stuff. Read with caution. :)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

After Lauren swallowed all 27 of her antidepressants, she naturally was rushed to the children's hospital. Sadly, she's been down this road before. She knew the drill. She walked in, got her vital signs done, some old miserable bitch screamed at her, took her phone, and sat her down next to the security guard.

Of course, she's sitting there looking like a freak because everyone else is either puking, having an asthma attack, or coughing up their lung. And she sat there with a giant smirk on her face, hoping that she'd drop dead right there. Of course she didn't, though. Because this was her 2nd hospital visit just this year. After what honestly felt like 13 years, someone finally got her and brought her into a nearby room.

They asked her a range of questions from, "why'd you do this," to "were you raped," to "are you gay?" She just wanted to die. No, she wasn't raoed, but, yeah, she was gay. No one knew that though. But this had nothing to do with the aching pain she always felt. She's always wanted to die and not be here anymore. She could only sleep for so long, anyways. Thankfully, they didn't pump her stomach, they just gave her some charcoal to drink. They said it'd make her puke. It didn't do shit. They stuck a heart monitor on her and put an IV in. The only entertaining part for Lauren was when the blood squirted out of the IV tube.

"Why'd you do this," Lauren's mom Clara asked quietly.

Lauren didn't reply, though. She was tired from all those pills. Usually Lauren had a lot on her mind. But all she could really think about was what the fuck time they were going to move her upstairs to a real room. Lauren let her eyes drift off to the clock. 10:17. She's only been here for three hours.

"Lauren, are you happy? You're in the hospital again. You're so selfish," her dad Mike screamed.

If Lauren wasn't so drugged up, she maybe would've cried. But she just nuzzled her head into her pillow, pulled her blanket up, and closed her eyes. She didn't fall asleep right then and there because she could hear her parents going at it. Her mom sent her dad home because he clearly wasn't being the most supportive. That made Lauren smile, though, because usually her mom is the one who's an asshole.

Lauren woke up to the feeling of someone tapping her shoulder.

"Lauren, sweetie, they're moving you upstairs now," the nurse said calmly.

"What time..is it.." Lauren mumbled out.

"It's almost 1:30, dear," the nurse replied.

Lauren rolled her eyes and slowly got up. She wasn't in the mood to move, but she was rather excited to get out of that severely uncomfortable bed. Okay, maybe excited wasn't the word. Lauren groaned as she walked over to the wheelchair. She laughed to herself because they couldn't even let her walk upstairs because they were afraid she'd do something. She didn't blame them, though.

But if she really wanted to kill herself, she probably would have. She sat in the wheelchair and they brought her down the hall, up the elevator, and down another hall into her room. She got into her bed and started to watch TV. She gave her mom a kiss and hug goodbye. She was slowly starting to drift off, but then the nurse started to ask her a bunch of questions. Primarily the same ones that she'd already been asked. Lauren let out a sigh and sat up.

"Can you take out my IV first?" Lauren begged.

"Of course, let me just call for some tape, I can't leave you here alone"

"Yeah, ok" Lauren rolled her eyes and looked to her right. There was a curtain up but she assumed that the other person wasn't a psych patient because 1.) the nurse was only watching Lauren. And 2.) there was a bunch of balloons and a glow of a cellphone. And cellphones aren't allowed if you're crazy. Eventually, the nurse finished asking questions and took out her IV, and Lauren drifted off into a somewhat peaceful sleep.

Lauren woke up at about 9, but she didn't bother to get out of the bed or even move around; she didn't want the nurse to pester her with more questions. She vaguely does remember someone coming into her room earlier, but she thought that maybe she'd dreamt that. But Lauren continued to lay there and to think about why she really did this. She didn't want to feel things. Every emotion she ever felt was felt to an extreme. She took desperate measures when it came to things she didn't like to do. She hadn't planned on taking those pills last night. In fact, she had no idea that she was going to take those pills. Sure, she'd been contemplating for a while on killing herself, but she never had an exact plan.

 

So last night, when she was sitting at the dinner table and just got up and took all her pills- it came as a shock to everyone, including Lauren. Aside from that, Lauren didn't have very many friends. Well, maybe she did, but she didn't like talking to them. She preferred to be alone most of the time, which was weird, because she hates being lonely. She didn't think she was pretty or cute, she just thought she was ugly, honestly. Sometimes she could be cute, with a good camera angle. All in all, she was just really, really depressed. And suicidal. She knew nothing was going to get better and she knew that she wanted to die- simple as that. Her jumbled up thoughts were interrupted by a doctor, which she was very thankful for, considering she didn't feel like thinking anymore.

 

"Lauren, hello, I'm Dr. Jane, I'm the psychologist here today," the doctor said, and, naturally, Lauren rolled her eyes.

 

"Okay, well.. we're going to be moving you to a treatment center for, at the most, two weeks and-,"

 

"I know. I've done this before. I'm going to go for a little. You can't keep me for more than a month. No strings in the beginning, no electronics, I know. You don't have to tell me, I know," Lauren cut her off.

 

"Okay..well..both you and your mom still both have to sign the paperwork.." the doctor said quietly. So, Lauren grabbed the pen from her and quickly signed the papers. She heard the door open and jerked her head up. It was her mom. What a convenient time. Her mom signed the papers, too and then sat down. 

 

Her mom and the doctor were talking but Lauren didn't feel like listening. She thought about school and how it was her junior year and how she's fucking everything up by being in the hospital again. The door opened again but this time it was a nurse. Lauren thought it was for her, but it was for the girl on the other side of the curtain.

 

The nurse was telling the girl how she was going home, and she asked her questions like how her breathing was, and how she was feeling. So Lauren made the assumption that the girl had some shitty lungs and that she was fine, mentally. And Lauren was right. After a half hour of just sitting there, the doctor left and Lauren decided to watch some tv.

 

"Honey..Lauren do you want anything to eat? You haven't eaten yet today," her mom asked.

 

Lauren didn't respond, she just continued to watch a dumb episode of spongebob and she wasn't even sure what was going on- she was just extremely annoyed with the fact that spongebob kept saying "I'm ready, I'm ready" over and over again. And Lauren could feel herself getting pissed off over nothing again. She wanted to leave, but she wasn't sure where she wanted to go. A part of her wanted to go home but a part of her was excited to go to the hospital; she actually couldn't wait to go.

 

She didn't exactly love the hospital, but in a way she did because when she's at the hospital, she doesn't feel sad. She's secluded from the real world and it makes her feel happy because there's no feelings, no one to get attached to, no one to leave her. And maybe this was all really about Lauren being scared to be alone, after her ex girlfriend, Vero, she never really was the same. But Lauren didn't even love her, really, she just didn't want to be alone.

 

Eventually Lauren ate some cereal with warm milk that was sitting there for a few hours. A different nurse was sitting next to her bed trying to talk to her but Lauren just slurped up the milk from her cereal and ignored her. She wanted to leave so much. Lauren put her bed back so it was down and she played with the strings that were sticking out of the blanket. She was counting them obsessively and tugging on them obnoxiously when her mom grabbed her hands.

 

"Lauren.. do you want me to get you some cards or something? Maybe we could play a game.." her mom suggested. 

 

Lauren thought about it for a few seconds and she might've cracked a small smile, but she just nodded her head no.

 

"Actually.. wait, can you get me some things to draw with, maybe?" she asked quietly.

 

Her mom nodded her head yes and left the room to get her what she asked for. Lauren sighed; she wanted to do it herself but she knew she wasn't allowed to leave the room.. too much of a risk. Of course, she didn't see it as a risk- the doctors did. Lauren wasn't going to kill herself. And, deep down, she knew that those pills wouldn't have killed her. If she really wanted to die, she would have done it. 

 

Or at least that's what she thought. She was stuck. She wanted to die, but she didn't. She wanted to live, but she didn't. She was just so tired of thinking and feeling and life. Life sucked. Her mom came in with her colored pencils.

 

"Honey.. they said they ambulance will be here shortly to bring you over to the treatment center, so I'm going to go home and get some of your things so you'll have things.

 

Do you want anything special?" her mom questioned.

 

"Uh.. yeah, I do.. My brush and some books, the books on my bed, yeah. And just any pajamas, really.. I don't care. Um, hoodies, too? And sweaters and some socks, I guess that's it really," Lauren mumbled.

 

"Okay, honey, I love you," Clara said and gave her a kiss on the head.

 

Lauren waited patiently for almost an hour until the ambulance people were there to bring her over. She saw the stretcher waiting in the hallway and her stomach started to tie into knots because she was both nervous and excited at the same time. Nervous because, well, who isn't nervous when they're going in an ambulance..again. Excited because it was actually her turn to go and she's getting help, real help, more help. She walked out into the hall and climbed onto the stretcher.

 

"We're just going to push you up a bit and put it into the air, okay?" one of the EMT's asked. Lauren nodded her head and so then both of the EMT's lifted her up and buckled her in. They pushed her down some hallways and brought her downstairs through the elevator and then finally pushed her out toward the ambulance. The cold air hit her and she shivered and smiled a bit, because she was finally going outside..only to be bright back inside.

 

The drive to the treatment center was short, but felt long because of all the questions she'd been asked. Mostly the same ones they'd asked her at the hospital. They pushed her into the building and let Lauren off the stretcher. As soon as Lauren got off and pulled her paper pants up, she looked up and saw the most beautiful girl sitting in the waiting area. Lauren could feel herself getting nervous and she wondered if she really, honestly, could be any fucking gayer than she was in that moment. She had to find out who that girl was.


	2. Chapter 2

They had Lauren walk over to a small room and wait for her mom. They asked her if she wanted to sit in the lobby. And, of course, Lauren did want to sit in the lobby because of that girl.. but then again she didn't, because she'd only been here for, like, five minutes and she didn't want to seem like a weird girl at a mental hospital who was trying to talk to a really cute girl. Like, really cute. She was cute and beautiful, and shit, Lauren was being really fucking gay. She'd only seen her for a second.

Lauren said no and just sat in the small room, waiting. There was orange squishy things on the wall and she wanted to touch it to see what it did. But, as soon as she got up, the door opened up and her mom was there.

Clara took a seat across from Lauren. And that's when it hit Lauren: she fucked up this time. All those pills, she fucked up. She can't take this back. She's going to be in a room with plain walls and a plain bed and a plain desk and a plain window. For god knows how long. Longer than last time, of course, because last time she didn't even try to kill herself.

Lauren started to panic a bit and she didn't know if it was because she hadn't taken her meds in a few days or because she was really fucking freaking out about how much she messed up. She hasn't gone to school in almost two months and now she's going to miss more; she's going to be even more far behind.

The next thing Lauren knew, her mom grabbed her hand and was brushing it to calm her down. And, for the most part, it worked. Then her mind traveled off to the girl in the lobby; the girl waiting just like her. Lauren wanted to know her story and even if the girl did look unbelievably beautiful, it didn't mean that she didn't have issues. So Lauren made it her mission to get to know that girl and her story.

Eventually, a doctor came and Lauren was brought upstairs to the adolescent part of the hospital, where she'd be spending the next several days. Or weeks. She didn't know. Even though Lauren had been at the hospital recently, they still had to do everything over again.. even the paperwork. So, there sat Lauren, in the small little room with nothing but paper clothes and extremely uncomfortable hospital socks.

"I'm just going to take your temperature and look through your clothes and then someone will bring you to your room, okay?" the lady asked.

"Okay," Lauren responded, as if she had some sort of choice. It's not like she could say no. What else was she supposed to say? Lauren sighed and got up from the chair, then some other lady came into the room. She had brown hair and pale skin; Lauren just assumed she was one of the staff to bring her to her room. She was right.

"I'm Victoria, I'll be one of your staff members today. Do you want me to bring you to your room so you can change?" Veronica asked. Lauren nodded her head yes, silently judging Veronica because she thought she was a bitch, even though she'd only known her for approximately 2 minutes. She took her down the hallway that said "B." The same one Lauren had been in before. Lauren didn't get the same room as before, she got the one that was all the way down the hall on the left. But as she was walking down, she saw that the person who shared a bathroom with her was named Camila. Lauren smiled to herself, what a pretty name.

Veronica unlocked Lauren's bathroom for her and Lauren proceeded to change. She put on some sweat pants and an oversized hoodie; she didn't really feel like putting on jeans.. After all, she IS in a psych ward, no one really cares what people are wearing. She went to the bathroom and then brushed her hair and walked out into the hallway to tell Veronica that she needed her bathroom locked. Because, god forbid Lauren drowns herself in the fucking toilet. She laughed to herself and then went into the activity room at the end of the hallway. But, as soon as she turned the corner to go into the room, she saw the girl who was in the lobby, sitting there. Lauren could feel herself getting nervous, her heart started to beat faster and faster. After two minutes of just standing there, Lauren realised what she was doing.

"Shit," Lauren mumbled, realising that she was just standing there staring at the girl.

"What? Did I do something?" the girl asked. Her voice was so raspy and cute and Lauren thought she was going to explode. She wanted to hear that voice even more. Her eyes were so cute and brown and god, her f-

"Hello? Earth to whatever your name is," the small girl interrupted Lauren's gay thoughts.

"Fuck...shit. Sorry for swearing. Um, you didn't do anything, no, don't sorry about it," Lauren replied with a half smile.

"Oh.. Alright.. I'm Camila, what's your name?" she asked. Lauren felt her heart speed up even more. She was sharing a bathroom with the girl who was really cute. It's nothing, though. It's just a stupid bathroom..right?

"Lauren. I'm Lauren. Hi Camila," Lauren replied while taking the seat next to Camila. Lauren wiped her hands on her pants.

"You're Lauren! I saw your name on the door next to mine. I guess we share a bathroom," Camila sounded excited. Lauren smiled a little. She looked really cute when she was excited. She must be pretty fucked up.

"Ah, so we do.. exciting," Lauren mumbled.

"Do you want me to stop talking, because I'll stop talking, I know I get annoying sometimes and I'm rea-,"

"Camila, you aren't annoying. I don't want you to stop talking. In fact, talk more. People don't talk enough here,"

"You've been here before?" Camila asked.

"Yeah.. have you?" Lauren replied.

"No, I haven't,"

"Oh.."

"I'm sorry," Camila said quietly.

"Does it bother you that I've been here before?" Lauren asked.

"No.. were all a little messed up.. and some of us need more help than others," Camila said shyly.

"Perhaps that's so,"

"No, wait, no Lauren I didn't mean it like that, I didn't mean that you're fucked up, fuck, shit, I mess everything up. You aren't messed up," Camila said anxiously.

"Camila please it's okay, you don't have to say sorry to me, I'm messed up and I know you are too, that's why we're here," Lauren said and giggled. Camila then giggled too. But then Lauren's smile soon faded as Victoria walked into the room.

"What are you two laughing about? You know there's not supposed to be any secret conversations," Victoria said sternly.

"Well.. for one, we were the only two in the room, so it isn't like we were telling secrets. And, I've been here before, but Camila hasn't, so it isn't really her fault. And, sorry we were laughing; sorry we were feeling a little less miserable than usual. It won't happen again," Lauren said.

"Ah, some things never do change, do they, Lauren?"

"Perhaps they don't. But maybe this time they will, you never know," Lauren replied to Victoria.

"Well, it's almost two, you guys should get ready for group, you're both in it today,"

"Ah, group. My favourite. You'll love this, Camila," Lauren said sarcastically.

"Lauren can you please stop with the negative attitude toward everything?" Victoria asked. Lauren, being the overly sensitive person that she is, sniffled a little bit and then got up and went down the hallway, slammed her door, and lay in her bed and cried. At first she was crying because the small minded staff yelled at her.. Well, spoke to her sternly. But now she was crying about how she's in the hospital and how she tried to kill herself and that she's gay and that she's stuck here for she doesn't know how long.

Lauren only really cried for 10 minutes, but, to her it felt like hours. She only stopped because Victoria made her go to group. So, Lauren went to group and took the seat next to Camila.

"Could someone tell me the rules about group?" Dr. M asked. Even though she didn't say names yet, Lauren still remembered her. Lauren remembered everything.

"Confidentiality and respect.. What we say here doesn't leave the room, unless it's abuse or if you're going to hurt someone or yourself," Lauren explained.

"Ah, correct.. now who would like to start?" Dr. M asked. But Lauren had already zoned out. She spent the next 45 minutes thinking about if her mom was coming back later today and if her dad still hated her and if her brother and her sister knew what was going on. Group finally ended and it was time for "quiet time." Everyone sat in their room for a half hour. Lauren left the small crowded room with too many chairs, and went to her room. The room with a bed by the window, a plain desk, and a plain white plastic chair. Lauren decided she was going to nap, so that's what she did. But, no one woke her up at 3:30, so she accidentally slept until a little after 5. But, Lauren was happy about that because she missed the shitty afternoon group they always have. Of course, the group isn't always the same..but it basically spews the same bullshit like: know your triggers, why do you do this, life isn't all that bad, ect. And Lauren knew all of that. She honestly knew that life wasn't that bad; she's 17 and has been in a psych ward several times before, but she hasn't died yet. And maybe something inside of her knows that life will be okay and that everything will be okay. Or not.

Lauren wasn't going to get out of bed but then she remembered it was almost time for dinner and dinner meant that they got to sit together. Her and Camila. Well, if Camila wanted to sit with her. They didn't really know each other, aside from that small interaction earlier today. Lauren already knew she set her hopes too high..especially since they're both in a mental hospital. Of course nothing is going to happen..Camila probably is straight and has a boyfriend, she won't like someone like Lauren.. Or so Lauren thought. Lauren then unwillingly dragged herself out of her bed, cracked her neck and then proceeded to walk down the hallway.

"There's a few minutes until dinner, could you wait in the activity room?" the male staff asked. Lauren squinted her eyes in an attempt to see his name tag, but that failed.

"Uh, yeah," Lauren replied. She walked into the activity room to see Camila and six other girls. Lauren wondered what their names were, but she didn't care all that much because the only one whose name mattered to her was Camila's.

"Hey sleepyhead," Camila mumbled and then smiled.

"Hi, loser," Lauren replied while laughing.

"Hey, you're mean!" Camila said and gave Lauren a push on the shoulder.

"Watch your boundaries, no touching!" the staff scolded them. Lauren gave Camila an "ohhh, you got caught" look and smirked. Oh, how Lauren hated the no touching rule. Camila didn't know better, though. But Lauren did. And Lauren also knew the ways around it.

"Do you want to sit with me at dinner? I mean, you don't have to, I just thought since w-"

"Camila. Yes,"

"Okay, I'm sorry I rambled," Camila's eyes shifted to the floor.

"Don't be sorry, I like when you ramble... for now,"

"What's that supposed to mean?" Camila asked confused.

"You'll find out," Lauren smirked and got up; it was time for dinner. Camila followed Lauren toward the Orange room, the room where they do almost everything in. Lauren grabbed some milk out of the fridge for her and Lauren and they both sat down at the table in the back.

"Do you know what's for dinner?" Camila asked eagerly.

"Uhh, you seem excited to eat," Lauren laughed. "I'm pretty sure it's pizza, thou-"

"I LOVE PIZZA HOLY CRAP," Camila screamed.

"Shhh.. Calm down. It's just pizza,"

"JUST PIZZA? Pizza is better than Jesus, better than freaking Tumblr!! BETTER THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD, BETTER THAN Y-...nevermind. Pizza is good," Camila said, blushing. She stared down at the floor knowing what she'd done. Lauren was oblivious to the fact that Camila just almost said that pizza was better than her; Lauren was too caught up in how cute the younger girl looked when she was excited. Lauren smiled and then a staff brought over their pizza.

"So, tomorrow is Saturday.. so we basically spend all day watching movies or hanging out playing cards," Lauren explained.

"Yeah well I suck at playing cards and I bet they only show like G rated movies here," Camila said with her mouth filled with pizza.

"Don't worry, I'll teach you, It'll be fun," Lauren said while smiling. This might just be the last time she'd be in a psych ward. 

 


	3. Chapter 3

 

After everyone finished eating, they went back into the activity room to introduce themselves. Lauren sat in the seat next to the window and Camila sat next to her. Lauren looked down at Camila’s socks; they had little puppies on them.

 

“Alright, everyone, we’re starting evening group now. Please sit down,” the female staff directed. Lauren hated group. Even though it was nothing like process group, she still hated it. But she didn’t have a choice. And, plus, Camila was there.

“Everyone, lets say names, I’m Victoria,” the staff said.

“I’m Camila Cab- fuck. No last names, I forgot. I’m Camila,” she said nervously. Lauren giggled.

“I’m Lauren,”

“I’m Ally,”

“I’m Dinah,”

“I’m Normani,” 

“I’m Skye,” 

“I’m Katie,”

“I’m Liz,”

They all said there names, so Lauren started to tune out. They started with Liz again, so that everyone could explain their issues and why they’re here. Lauren didn’t care, though. She only wanted to hear Camila’s story. So, she closed her eyes and told Camila to wake her before she spoke.

 

“Lauren..Laaaauren,” Camila whispered.

 

“Huh, what? I fell asleep”

 

“It was only like 15 minutes,”

 

“Well, whatever,” Lauren mumbled.

 

“Camila, why are you here?” Victoria asked.

 

“Well, I have anxiety and depression, and ADHD. I dunno. I cut, a lot, way too much. I’ve never tried to kill myself, though. So I guess that's not exactly why I'm here. I've been having thoughts of killing myself though and I don't know if I ever would but I want to, like, I want to, really badly- I-I don’t want to be here anymore. Well, on Earth. I don’t mind the hospital, I guess. But I wish I were dead,” Camila explained. Lauren felt her heart sink and her eyes trailed to Camila’s wrists, but Camila was wearing a long sleeved shirt. She never wanted Camila to be sad, ever. Camila deserved to be happy. And Lauren was going to make her happy.

 

“Well, you’re safe here, Camila. We’ll take care of you.. Okay? Lauren, you’re next, why are you here?” Victoria asked.

 

“Well.. I tried to kill myself. I’m still here, obviously, and, sadly. I’m bipolar and I have anxiety. I’m complicated. I’ve been here before, so.. Yeah,” Lauren mumbled.

 

“Do you think this time will be different than the others?” Victoria asked.

 

“Well, I’ll have to find out, won’t I?”

 

“You’re still the same, aren’t you?”

 

“I won’t be anymore,” Lauren said and looked over at Camila while smiling, even though Lauren knew that Camila was oblivious to why Lauren smiled at her. It didn’t matter, though. Camila would never like a girl like Lauren.

 

“Okay, well, it’s time for a movie, you guys can shower a little later,” Victoria announced. Everyone decided on “Camp Rock” for the movie. It was mostly Camila’s decision because she had a small obsession with Demi Lovato.

“OH MY GOD, GUYS, I LOVE DEMI SO MUCH WHY DON’T YOU LIKE HER WHAT’S WRONG WITH HER I MEAN SHE’S FUCKED UP LIKE US TOO SO WHY DON’T YOU LIKE HER I MEAN REALLY” Camila was screaming.

“Camila please stop yelling or you’ll have to go to your room,” Victoria stated.

“BUT IT’S DEMI FREAKING LOVATO SHE’S LIKE, THE QUEEN OF LIFE, LET ME TELL YOU OKAY SO LIKE ONE TIME I WAS IN MY ROOM OKAY AND I-”

“Camila,” Lauren said while grabbing her hand, despite knowing they aren’t allowed to touch. “Tell me the story, I’m here, just don’t yell, okay?”

 

“Okay,” Camila said quietly.

 

“Hey, no, don’t be sad, I still want to hear the story,” Lauren said while smiling.

 

Camila went on to tell her the story about how she finally learned how to play “Catch Me” on her guitar and Lauren asked Camila if she could hear her sing some time and Camila said maybe. They were maybe an hour into the movie when they were sitting in chairs side by side and Camila started yawning. Camila rested her head on Lauren’s shoulder. Lauren flinched a little, because she knew that they weren’t supposed to be touching. But Victoria wasn’t paying attention and Normani and Dinah were too busy playing cards to care.

 

Suddenly Lauren felt her stomach flutter when Camila started to close her eyes and fall asleep. Not being good with feelings, Lauren quickly got up and walked over to Victoria and she could feel Camila staring at the back of her.

 

“Uh,” Lauren fiddled with the strings dangling from her sweater, “can I shower? I-I need to shower,”

 

“Yeah, I’ll unlock your bathroom,”

 

Lauren walked down the long hallway and into her room. She grabbed her favourite pajamas; black fuzzy pants and a black sweater with a black tanktop underneath. She knew she couldn’t take her sweater off in front of people because tank tops weren’t appropriate, but she could take it off in her room so that’s all that mattered. Lauren walked into the bathroom and realised that there wasn’t anything to wash herself or her hair with. So she walked back out and down the hallway.

 

“I need shampoo and stufff. There’s nothing in my bathroom,” Lauren mumbled.

 

“Yeah? Okay,” Victoria said with an attitude.

 

Lauren sighed, she didn’t want to deal with this. She never wanted to return to the hospital again. Ever.She cleared her throat.

 

“Could you please get me some?” Lauren asked politely. Victoria shot a dirty look at her while reluctantly getting up and walking to what Lauren assumed was the supply closet. Lauren couldn’t really see where she went, though, because Victoria went off of the unit. It’s strange, the small things Lauren’s mind obsesses over.

 

Victoria shortly came back with the shampoo and such so Lauren could take a proper shower. Lauren walked back into the bathroom, closed the door, and leaned against the wall. She looked down at her wrists that were filled with dry, red cuts. She started to cry because she was pissed off at herself for pulling this shit again. Lauren didn’t want to deal with any of it right this moment so she just got into the shower and took what felt like the longest shower in the world.

 

Shortly after, Lauren found herself in the activity room again. But she saw Camila laughing with the other girls and having fun and even though Camila shot her a smile and told her to join, and no matter how much Lauren so badly wanted to stay, something told her not to. Lauren fastly walked back to her room and collapsed into her bed.

 

Shit, she thought, I’m fucking running away from my feelings again.”

 

Lauren was indenial. Indenial of what she felt, how she felt. And who she felt it for.


	4. Chapter 4

"Yeah, I know I don't love her, I mean I've only known her for like, three seconds, but shit she's beautiful, she's so nice, and, she's a little less fucked up than I am," Lauren thought to herself.

Lauren had fallen asleep and woken back up, but had no clue what time it was due to the lack of a clock in her room. And she would have asked for a radio, but every time she unplugged the thing, the time would reset so that was basically useless. The darkness enveloped her room; she hated the dark.

"Ah, fuck," Lauren mumbled while getting out of bed, walking into the hallway with the light at the end of it. How ironic. She glanced at the clock, it said 3 AM.

"Can I help you?" the staff at the end off the hall asked.

"Oh, um, no I just wanted to check the clock, you know? Sorry,"

"Alright,"

Lauren started to turn around to go back into her room, but then she remembered that she was allowed to take Xanax even while being in the hospital, especially while being in the hospital.

"Actually, no, can I have my Xanax?" Lauren asked while turning around.

"Um, let me get the nurse so we can see about that. Please go wait in your room."

Lauren walked back into her room and turned on the light. She placed her hand on the connecting bathroom door, in hopes that Camila was maybe, by a small chance, waiting on the other side, with her hand on the door, too. Suddenly, Lauren heard the toilet flush, so she backed away from the door quickly.

"Shit, fuck," Lauren mumbled. She looked down and saw a piece of paper that had been slipped under the bathroom door, so she picked it up. She flipped it over and it said "Lauren," in small handwriting. She smiled, but then she heard footsteps so she abruptly shoved the small white piece of paper in her pockets.

"Here's your medicine, Lauren," the nurse said.

"Thanks," Lauren mumbled while placing the cup to her mouth, and letting the pill roll on her tongue. She didn't want to take it, though, she wanted to save it, so in one swift motion she shoved it in the back of her mouth next to her molar.

"You don't need water?" the nurse questioned.

"Nah, water makes it feel like it gets stuck,"

"Okay, well, open your mouth please," the nurse requested, and Lauren did exactly what she was told.

"Good. Sleep well," the nurse said while smiling. Lauren smiled back and waited for the nurse to walk out of the door, before removing the bar of Xanax from her mouth. She put it in the same pocket the note was in, because if she left either of them out, she would get punished. She closed her door and then went in her pocket to get the note.

It read:  
"Hi. I couldn't sleep and I don't know why I'm writing this but I guess I just missed you during movie time. I don't know. We just met and I already miss you and that sounds horribly clingy and I'm rambling again but I miss you. Okay. I'll see you tomorrow at breakfast; I hope you sit with me. I hope you're okay."

Lauren smiled at Camila's messy handwriting, and then turned the light off. She slid the note back into her pocket and smiled. She wished Camila was right next to her, so she could stare at her, and hug her, and cuddle her. But she thought, the sooner she went to sleep, the sooner she would wake up and see Camila.  
\----  
Lauren woke up to the sound of chatter in the hallway. She followed the sound of the chatter and made herself down the hall into the TV room, the room where everyone can get together and do all unit activities. She made her way to the nurse and took her medication, and then made her way into the dining room.

"Lauren, the doctor wants to meet with you about your medicine," the nurse said. While directing Lauren towards the small room with windows, so everyone could see just how crazy she really was.

"Um, why? I'm already on Celexa and I don't know what you want," Lauren whined.

"You're bipolar,"

"Yeah, I know,"

"Well, Celexa obviously induces a manic state for you, so we're going to start you on lithium, you can keep your other meds just the way they are, but no more Celexa," the nurse explained.

"Okay but what if I don't take it? Did you even talk to my mom about this? Does she know you're trying to drug me the fuck up?"

"Yes Lauren, your mom has already consented to this. Ultimately we can't force you to take it, but there are risks and you know what they are.. If something happens, you'll most likely be restrained and sedated," the nurse explained.

"Yeah, I know what the fuck it does. I'm leaving," Lauren yelled while walking out towards the cafeteria.

"Lauren!! Goodmorning," Camila practically shouted, with a huge smile on her face, and her banana in her left hand.

"Hi," Lauren said with a fake smile, while getting her breakfast from the staff member, then sat down next to Camila.

"So, you got it right?" Camila questioned, while they both started eating. Lauren looked around before answering, to make sure that no one was listening.

"Yes, I did. Maybe that could be our thing,"

"If I don't ruin it,"

"You won't, Camila,"

"How do you know?"

"Because, I know you already, and I've just met you," Lauren said with a smirk.

"What's wrong Lauren? Are you okay?" Camila asked.

"Yeah, they want me to take lithium for my bipolar.. I don't know what I want to do,"

"You should take it.. I mean.. If it could help, you know? I don't want to see you sad, you don't deserve to be sad," Camila looked around to make sure anyone wasn't listening "I care about you, Lauren,"

"Okay, I'll think about it," Lauren replied.

After both girls finished eating, they went into the activities room. Lauren once again asked the nurse for her Xanax, and again put it in her pocket for later.

"Wait, can I start taking the lithium?" Lauren asked.

"Yes, sure, I'm glad you gave it a second thought,"

Lauren reluctantly took the medicine, making sure she actually swallowed it. She maybe wanted to get better.  
Lauren headed toward the activity room.

"So, everyone, how are you? Let's go around in a circle," the main staff, Matt, asked.

As usual, Lauren tuned out until they got to Camila.

"How are you, Camila?" Matt asked.

"I'm good. I'm happy. My mom is coming to visit today, with my little sister, Sofi,"

"That's wonderful, Camila. If you need anything let me or someone know, okay?"

"Okay," Camila replied. Lauren was next.

"So, Lauren, how are you?" Matt asked.

"I don't know. I feel something. I don't know if it's real or if it's here to stay or what it is. But I feel it. And I want to keep feeling it," Lauren spat out.

"Are you ok? You aren't having an epi-"

"No, I'm being serious. I'm okay, I'm not freaking out. I'm just feeling something, I always usually feel numb," Lauren explained and quickly shot Camila a smile.

"Well, alright, if you say so. Okay, everyone, it's time to go in your rooms for a little while we set up for art." Matt said. Camila's hand brushed by Lauren's when they were walking towards their rooms. Lauren wanted to reach out and grab her hand, but something inside stopped her. They both walked inside of their separate rooms, and Lauren sat on the floor by her bed.

She sat there for five minutes, realising that all she wanted was to see Camila again. So Lauren made her way to the doorway and stuck her head out to see if anyone was in the hallway. No one was, surprisingly. She then checked to see if Camila's door was open, and it was. She was risking herself to go in Camila's room, but she didn't care. She walked into Camila's room and just stood there for a moment until Camila looked up.

"Lauren, aren't you not supposed to be here?" Camila asked nervously and got up to push Lauren away.

"Yes, but no one was in the hallway, and I missed you," Lauren said while looking at the ground.

"You missed me?"

"I did, I'm sorry if that's weird, I don't know, you're just so nice to be around,"

"No, I missed you too. Please look at me," Camila said. Lauren then looked up, and they stared at each other for a minute, and then Lauren leaned in for a kiss. Her lips pressed against Camila's and she tasted vaguely like bananas and rainbows, her lips were soft like pillows and she just wanted to kiss her forever. Lauren cupped her cheek and deepened the kiss, making it last longer, hoping it would never end. But she, for some reason, ended it.

"Shit, no, I'm going to leave, I'm so sorry Camila, I shouldn't have done that," Lauren stammered out while running away, back into her room. Tears started to flow from her dark green eyes as she collapsed on her ever familiar mattress. She was working herself up into a panic attack, but then she heard something slide under her door. It was another note from Camila.

It read: You were my first kiss. I liked it.  
\----

\---- ch. 5? or continue whatever  
Lauren realised that she had stopped crying so she wiped her face off so it would no longer be wet. She smiled at the note, now regretting breaking the kiss. She knew Camila probably wouldn't still be standing there after the 5 minutes Lauren took to recollect herself, but Lauren twisted the metal doorknob anyways.

Lauren frowned and sighed, due to the fact that Camila wasn't standing at her door. Lauren poked her head out to see if there was anyone monitoring the hallway, but there wasn't. She thought about walking into Camila's room, but as soon as she finished her thought, Matt interrupted her.

"Lauren, you're just in time for art. Could you let the others know to come down the hall for art?" Matt asked.

"Sure," Lauren mumbled while rolling her eyes. She didn't want to have to speak to Camila after that awkward yet wonderful encounter.

"Guys.. it's time for art.. come on," Lauren half loudly said. Lauren started walking down the hall faster when she saw Camila turning out of her room. As soon as Lauren got to the art room down the hall, she sat at the corner table where her and Camila usually sit. Camila of course sat with her. Lauren rubbed her eyes and realised how tired she was getting, probably from her lithium.

"Okay, everyone, we're going to be making glitter pictures with nice phrases or compliments on them," the art lady said, and Lauren would have remembered her name but she was too busy staring at the mole on Camila's forehead. They passed out the supplies and everyone started working on their dumb glitter projects. Lauren just drew stars and circles and covered the paper in glitter, because she didn't care at all.

Camila, on the other hand, wrote the word "letters" in big glittery letters. Lauren wondered what it was and before she could even ask, Camila interrupted her thoughts.

"It's us.. how we pass letters," Camila whispered, making sure no one heard it.

Lauren smiled.

"You're something else," Lauren said while yawning.

"What?" Camila frowned.

"No, in a good way. You're a good something else. A special something else."

"Oh.. Okay. Why do you keep yawning?"

"The lithium. I'm gonna go sleep," Lauren said while heading towards her room. Camila thought about telling her that she missed her, but she didn't think it would make a difference.

"Where do you think you're going?" Matt questioned.

"To sleep. Lithium sucks you know,"

"Okay.. let us know if something happens," Matt said.

Lauren wasn't sure if she was having one of her week long episodes, or she genuinely was happy because of Camila.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading :)))))


	5. Chapter 5

Lauren woke up several hours later and felt extremely disoriented. She walked towards the hallway to check the clock, but she could barely see anything, so she kept walking towards it.

"It's 3:30," Camila mumbled.

"Oh,"

"I figured you couldn't see. You don't leave your room much anyways. You only leave for food and to check the time,"

"I leave to see you,"

"Oh.. well.. My mom is coming soon with Sofi," Camila looked down and Lauren walked away. She didn't want to walk away but the growling in her stomach led her to the cafeteria. Lauren quickly ate some cereal and then scurried back to her room, not wanting to talk to anyone.

Lauren either played cards alone, wrote, or read books when Camila was gone. Which, she wasn't gone a lot, but when she was, it felt like hours.

Lauren began to play a game of solitaire when she heard someone at her door. She looked up and it was Camila.

"Lauren. hi!" Camila said cheerfully.

"Hii Cam-" Lauren mumbled.

"Guess what! My mom and Sofi are here. Sofi is my sister. I wanted you to meet them, I told them about you, how we're friends and even though I've only known you for like two days how we hang out a lot and I want you to say hi," Camila said fast.

"Of course I'll meet them,"

"Okay come on!!" Camila shouted while grabbing Lauren's hand. Lauren knew she should've told her to let go, that they could get in trouble for this. That Camila could end up getting switched to a different room. But somehow Lauren didn't care, all she cared about was the smile on Camila's face and their hands intertwining.

"Mom this is Lauren, Lauren this is my mom Sinu, and my little sister Sofi" Camila said while picking up Sofi to give her another hug.

"Hi, nice to meet you Lauren,"

"Nice to meet you too Sinu. Nice to meet you too Sofi, you're even cuter than your sister is! What's that you got there?" Lauren asked about Sofi's coloring book. Sofi went on to talk about her book and Camila Just smiled the whole time. While Lauren and Sofi were chatting, Camila decided to talk to her mom alone in her room.

"I feel better mom," Camila mumbled.

"That's good honey but you know I'm not a doctor and I can't just take you home,"

"I know. I know. They might put me on medicine for my depression,"

"Well I'm glad something good might come out of you being here.. Some of these people.. They have cuts on their wrists, body.. You don't belong here, mija,"

"Mom, please don't do this,"

"Camila you know how I feel about all of this.."

"I think you should go. I'm going to say bye to Sofi." Camila said and walked back out to the lobby where Sofi and Lauren were talking by the fish tank.

"Sofi, moms leaving so you have to go too, come give me a hug,"

"Aw I don't want to go!!!" Sofi said while hugging Camila tight.

"Hey, don't be sad, I'll be home soon, I promise you."

"Pinky swear?" Sofi stuck out her pinky.

Camila did the same. "Pinky swear."   
Sofi gave her another hug and then left with Sinu.

"How come you don't pinky swear me things?" Lauren jokingly said.

"Because, dummy. We can't touch each other,"

"We could always air pinky swear," Lauren sarcastically joked.

"I guess we could."

"Could we?" Lauren asked, this time serious.

"We could," Camila smiled. “Y’know, only if you want to,’

“Why wouldn’t I want to? Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I mean, my mom, she’s just.. being my mom.” Camila sighed.

“What do you mean?” Lauren asked, with a genuine sympathetic frown, making sure Camila knew she cared. They both started to walk towards their rooms.

"She's just, like. She doesn't understand. She thinks everyone here is crazy and that they have cuts all over their body, and they do, I do too, but like she doesn't know I do.. And I don't want to tell her. She thinks I'm just a little sad, she doesn't think anything else of it. And I know everyone gets sad, but, not this sad,"

"I know.. my mom used to be like that. I wish I could make it all better for you, take it all away,"

"I don't know what to do," Camila sighed and was walking into her room, and Lauren followed her in. She wrapped her arms around Camila's waist.

"It's going to be okay. I promise you." Lauren said while letting go, walking back into the hallway, making sure she wasn't going to get into trouble. Camila started to sob and Lauren had no idea what to do.

"I don't want to get you into trouble, Camila, just know I'd hold you if I could,"

"I don't fucking care if I get in trouble!" Camila half shouted, and before she could start getting more upset, Lauren went back into Camila's room and wrapped her arms around her once again.

"Camila, shh, please it's going to be okay, you're going to be okay," Lauren said while continuing to hold her, then she wiped off some of her tears. "Look.. you know how they check on us at night? Well that'll stop, once we get off night check ins. We can have our bathroom unlocked all the time, and our closets. And then at night, we can pass notes, or even talk. We'll figure it out. I'm here for you, okay?" Lauren said while grabbing her hand.

"Alright, you can go, I'm okay,"

"Are you sure?

"Yes." Camila said, sniffling. So Lauren walked back into her room, and sat on her bed. She grabbed her pencil and notebook and started writing something.

Camila,  
I really like you. I know we just met.. but you're different and I like that.

She folded the paper up and put it into her bra. She planned on giving it to Camila, but she didn't know when. Lauren took her hoodie off, threw it onto the floor, and then got into bed. She wasn't feeling much, she only felt when she was around Camila. It's clearly the meds. 

____________________

Lauren woke up in a panic, forgetting where she was for a moment. She hit her head on the wall during her freak out.

"Jesus, fuck," she yelled. She walked out towards the hall.

"It's 2 in the morning.. why are you awake?" some older staff member asked.

"Oh um I just woke up,, I just like.. I have to pee, can you open my bathroom?"

The staff member was walking towards her room, but Lauren remembered the note in her bra, and she wanted to add to it. She quickly grabbed her pencil and added the words Are you okay? to it, before going into the bathroom.

She walked into the bathroom, went pee, and then tried to quietly knock on Camila's door. 

"I'm awake," Camila mumbled. Lauren didn't say anything, all she did was slide the note under the door. She saw the note slide towards Camila's side, so she just walked out of the bathroom and back into her room. She jumped when she saw the staff member standing there.

"Fuck, are you trying to kill me?" she mumbled. The lady didn't say anything, she just locked her door and walked away. Lauren dragged herself into her bed and curled up in a ball, and sighed. She spent 20 minutes absentmindedly staring at the wall, hoping that maybe Camila would walk in, lay in bed with her. Or just say hi. That's all she wanted.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm very unmotivated and emo !!! and lazy honestly but yeah. I love u if u read this <3

Lauren slept for about an hour, she didn't know what exactly woke up but all she knew was that she wanted to die. She didn't know why she felt like this; she was semi-ok a little while ago. Maybe it was the meds, maybe it was just her not wanting to be alive.

She started crying, wondering why she just didn't let herself die. She thought about how stupid she was; how she could have just not told anyone.

Then it made her think about how maybe she didn't want to die. But there was always an aching pain in her chest. Something that always longed for a release, something that only death would be able to fix. No amount of love would fix it. Nothing would fix it, except for maybe death. But even then, she wasn't so sure if that would fix it either.

She continued to let herself cry. She cried until the only thing she was able to do was let out little dry sobs, because there were no more tears left inside of her fragile body. She wanted to get up and turn the light on, maybe try to calm down. But there was nothing that could bring her to get out of bed.

This wasn't even about Camila, this wasn't about any of that. It was the simple fact that she no longer wanted to live. She didn't want to exist, she was tired of it. 

  
She knew at the hospital there was nothing to do about it. She couldn't kill herself with anything here. If she told anyone, they wouldn't do anything except for maybe sedate her and restrain her. After all, what was the fucking point? No one cared. She didn't matter. People at the hospital, all the wanted was their money. If they really wanted to help people, Lauren wouldn't be stuck in the hospital, over and over, with the same problems, craving death.

  
Lauren never slept, she stayed awake, thinking of every single way to kill herself. None of them of course were decent enough to kill her while she was at the hospital. Naturally, by 8, Lauren had gotten up, had her meds, and dragged herself into the cafeteria to eat. She wasn't hungry, so she turned down breakfast. Camila and her sat in their normal spot in the cafeteria; the one in the back where no one could really see them. Lauren smiled at Camila's "I hate Mondays" shirt.

"Why aren't you eating?" Camila said with yet another mouthful of banana.

"Not hungry,"

"Well, yeah, clearly. You don't like, have an eating disorder do you?"

"Nope. I'm just fucking manic,"

"Oh, um, I didn't mean to upset you, or offend you, I'm sorry," Camila frowned while stabbing her banana peel with a fork.

"Hey, no, I'm not mad at you. I'm just in a bad mood. I'm sorry,"

"Do you want me to leave you alone? I-I'll go sit somewhere else, I don't mind"

"No, stay," Lauren smiled at Camila.

"Okay, well," Camila paused and looked around before continuing. "I got your note and I-" Before Camila could finish her sentence, she was interrupted by an obviously irritated Victoria.

"It's past 8:45, you guys have to meet with your doctors, you know that. Especially you, Lauren," Victoria scolded. The girls got up and went into their rooms and patiently waited for their doctors.

"So, Lauren, it's your third day here. How are you feeling? Are you feeling safe?" her doctor asked. Lauren smiled, and prepared herself for the most bullshitted lie.

"Yes, I'm feeling much better. I'm glad I'm on new medicine. I'm also feeling safe," Lauren said while smiling. She knew if she bullshitted through this, she could get off her checks at night. Meaning that she could have her bathroom unlocked, and she wouldn't have to be monitored. She was hoping Camila would do the same, only so that they could spend time together at night.

"Well, Lauren, I'm so glad you're feeling better. Do you think this time will be the last time you're here?"

"Yes, in fact, I do,"

"Oh, that's so wonderful to hear! Let us know if you need anything, okay sweetie?"

"Okay," Lauren said while she watched the doctor walk out.

Lauren layed in her bed with her deck of cards, cautiously shuffling them over and over. She waited for someone to come and get her to tell her it was time for group or whatever, but no one ever came to get her. She waited 20 minutes, and then ventured out into the hallway. She saw everyone in there, some watching TV, some drawing, and some doing god knows what.

"Oh, Lauren, sorry, no one came to get you. We thought you'd be sleeping due to the med change," Victoria said, almost sounding genuinely sorry.

"Yeah, well, don't make assumptions," Lauren scoffed while taking a seat next to Camila.

"Lauren, I thought you'd like to hear that you're off night checks, which I found surprising, but," Victoria said with an attitude.

"I'm off night checks too," Camila whispered. Lauren smiled. 

"Hey, how about I show you how to play cards?" Lauren asked Camila.

"Yeah, okay," Camila agreed.

Lauren showed her how to play solitaire, which Camila was surprisingly good at. They took turns flipping cards over, because really solitaire was a one player game. It was also something Lauren liked playing alone, but she found that with Camila there, it was better than being alone. It wasn't exhausting having her around.

"I play solitaire when I'm stressed, it kind of relaxes my brain but also gets it thinking in different ways, you know?"

"Yeah, I know what you mean. I like the way you think, Lauren. It's interesting," 

"Not as interesting as you are, though. I mean, come on. No one eats as many bananas as you do. I'm surprised you haven't actually turned into a banana," Lauren laughed. 

"Well, we do share 50% of our DNA with bananas,"

"Only you would know that," Lauren said while laughing, causing Camila to also laugh.

"Guys, go in the other room, it's time for art," Victoria informed everyone.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, I've been a sad bean lately. im sry, but thank you for reading <3

        Lauren went to get up for art, but the feelings Camila were giving her, reminded Lauren of all of the good feelings her ex, Vero gave her. So something inside of her snapped. And maybe it wasn't even the good feelings, it was just the feelings she got from Camila, reminding Lauren how heartbroken she actually was. Lauren's chest felt like it was caving in, and all of a sudden her bones ached.  
        She ran to her room, not explaining to anyone why she was going into her room. Barely reaching the door, Lauren just kept screaming and crying. Making fists and punching the bed like she was some kind of 4 year old having a tantrum. Hyperventilating, Lauren grabbed her notebook and started to write with the messiest handwriting and tears smeared across the page:  
             I didn't even fucking love her, I mean I loved her in a differen't way but why does it matter to me so much that she left me and moved on so fast, all I remember is her stupid fucking face telling me that she "no longer felt the same anymore" and that she "found someone else to love" even though she fucking told me she loved me and told me she wasn't going to leave and that we were going to spend forever together and I don't fucking know. I can't fucking do this I can't feel something for someone again and have them fucking leave all I do is care too much and love too much and everyone leaves. Everyone just loses feelings and I'm the only one who never loses feelings, I swear to god I still love all the people I said I do and I don't get how you wake up one day and say you don't love someone anymore. Or wake up and not love someone anymore because I've loved so many people and they'll forever be etched into my fucking soul and it's not fair. It's not fair at all. Maybe I'm just supposed to be alone and not love anyone, because what's the point if I always get hurt. I say I never feel anything but whenever I feel something, and it's pain, I don't want to feel it. I don't know what I want. I'm scared. I don't want Camila to leave. I don't want her to see the real me and then leave. And I know that's stupid to say because we're in a hospital and she already knows how crazy I am...but.... I mean... It gets worse. I just don't want her to go.

        Lauren sniffled and wiped her eyes and crumpled up everything she just wrote. She didn't want it in the trash in her room because she didn't want anyone to read the note. So she just went in her bathroom and put it in the trash in there. She splashed water on her face after staring at herself in the mirror. Then, she calmly walked down the hallway and into the art room.  
She took her same spot next to Camila.

Camila cleared her throat. "Hey are you alright?" 

"Yes," 

"Well, it didn't sound like you were alright, you were screaming,"

"Sometimes you just have to let it out. I'm used to hurting myself, and I had no other way to let it out, so I screamed."

"Oh, okay. I'm glad you didn't hurt yourself, though," both of the girls smiled.

Someone handed Lauren a blue glob of clay and she proceeded to mold it into a ball, smashing it over and over.

Camila spoke up. "You aren't gonna make anything?" 

"I made a ball," Lauren paused and realised how hostile she was being. "I don't know. What are you making?"

"I don't know," Camila mumbled while rolling her clay out into a snakelike shape.

        The both girls remained silent, and Lauren had to admit, not hearing Camia talking had her worried. Once they were dismissed from art, Lauren sat in the activity room, but Camila had walked right by and went into her own room. Camila had to pee, so she threw her clay onto her bed and went pee. She was washing her hands and saw a piece of notebook paper crumbled into a ball. At first she shrugged it off until she looked closer and could somewhat make out her name.  
        Being the curious person she is, Camila took the note out of the trash and flattened it out. She read the note, frowning at first, feeling her heart break, reading the words she'd wrote about the girl named Vero. Camila obviously knew it wasn't the Veronica from the hospital. She read all the way through the letter, reading the sentence "I don't want Camila to leave," over and over again. Camila was confused. What made Lauren think she was going to not like her anymore?  
        Soon after reading the letter, Camila crumbled it back up, wrapped toilet paper around it, and then flushed it down the toilet. She thought that if she could see it in the trash, there'd be a chance that someone else would see it too. She kind of felt guilty for doing so, but it was only because she didn't want to get Lauren and her in trouble.  
        Meanwhile, Lauren was sitting in the corner of the activity room rolling her clay around in her hands. No one sat next to her, all of the other girls were talking to each other. Lauren didn't really feel left out, because she didn't want to talk to them either. But she felt lonely without having Camila next to her. She glanced at the clock, 10:25. Camila came walking in with her red clay in her hand, but Lauren couldn't quite make out the shape.

"Hi Lauren,"

"Hi...."

        Camila put the heart down on the edge of her seat. "I'm not gonna leave, take it," Camila said, pointing towards the heart. Lauren put her blue clay at the edge of the seat, smiled, and took the heart. And Camila took the blue clay, even though it wasn't even formed into a shape. The two girls sat there talking about what they loved and what they hated. Lauren found out that Camila really liked making those dumb loom bracelets with her little sister.  
        The day went by fast, which was a surprise to Lauren. Usually every day went by incredibly slow, the only times that went by fast were with Camila.   
        During dinner, Lauren listened to Camila complain about how much she hated hot dogs, so Camila ate two bananas instead.

"I swear, you're gonna turn into a banana," Lauren said with a mouthful of a hot dog.

"And then I could eat myself, and I'd never get hungry, I'd never run out of food,"

"But.. Banana forever.. that's a long time with the same food,"

"I don't know, I don't think I'd get tired of having the same thing forever," 

Lauren smiled, she thought what Camila said was cute. 

"Hey," Lauren cleared her throat.

"What?"

"Meet me in our bathroom at 12 tonight," Lauren whispered.


	8. Chapter 8

 The next few hours consisted of lunch and group therapy; much of which Lauren just wanted to get out of. But, at around 3, her mom showed up. She didn't know what was going on with the rest of the family and she wasn't sure that she wanted to find out. Lauren and her mom went into Lauren's room simply so that they could talk without the staff members listening into their conversations, even though Lauren was basically convinced that there were cameras all over the place, but that was beside the point. 

"Lauren, I have to tell you something," Clara said, her voice very quiet, almost too quiet for Lauren to make out.

"What......" 

There was a dead silence. Lauren knew something was wrong.

"Your father and I... We're splitting up. He can't handle this anymore."

"You mean he can't handle me? He can't fucking handle his own daughter?"

"Lauren.. you know it's not like that. It's not you it's your... illnesses. He loves you, he just can't deal with your illnesses. Maybe when they go away, maybe everything will be okay and he'll want to see you again, mayb-" before Clara could finish, Lauren cut her off.

"What the fuck. What the FUCK. You're telling me he's leaving YOU and the FAMILY because he can't deal with my illnesses? And you, of all people, seriously think they're just going to go away? Don't you know I'm going to be like this forever? Maybe not that bad, always, but it's still always going to be here, why can't you get that? Why can't any of you get that? You know what? Fuck you, fuck this whole family. You're all a bunch of hypocrites who can't handle anything, none of you care about anything besides for what the world thinks about you. You don't even care about me, or how I'm feeling. You don't even ask how I'm feeling, you just come in here, tell me you and him are splitting up, and tell me I'm the reason why that's happening," Lauren spit out.

"Lauren, honey, you know it's not like that, the whole world isn't against you," her mom argued at her. 

"No, this isn't about the whole world being against me. This is about my family being against me and not even caring about what I'm going through. I know I've been in this place time and time again. But you don't have to worry about any of this anymore. As soon as I get out of here, I'm getting my shit together and moving out with all that money I saved up. Fuck you."

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about, getting out of here, you're leaving on Wednesday."

"Good, fan-fucking-tastic. I can't be here anymore."

"So you want to come home?"

"Shit, I'm coming home Wednesday, but as soon as I find an apartment, I'm out. You can still be my legal guardian, or emancipate me, I don't give a shit. I don't care, I'm just not staying with you anymore. You can tell Mike I'll only be around until I find a place to live, so there's no point in you two even splitting up. I'll be out before you know it." Lauren said, desperately trying not to let out any tears from her already watering eyes. 

"Well, you'll be 18 in a few months so there's really no point in me having you emancipated. I guess I'll see you Wednesday. Bye, Lauren," Clara said while walking out. 

"Bye." She let herself cry. She let herself feel it. She had to let herself feel it. She had to get it out. She couldn't keep bottling everything up. She had to change.

Lauren sat there in silence. Like she always does. But this time it felt even more silent than it did before. It felt like she wasn't even there. It felt like everything was empty and she didn't exist and nothing existed. She wanted to cry but she couldn't even make herself cry. Her mom literally just let her walk away. Just like that. Another spontaneous impulse decision, by Lauren. Naturally.

"Lauren, your mom left, would you like to join group?" Victoria asked. 

"What time is it?"

"Four thirty, everyone is just hanging out. We're gonna watch a movie later, you can pick it if you want to." 

Why is she being so nice to me all of a sudden? She's usually a stone cold bitch.

"Yeah, that's fine, I'll pick," she followed Victoria out to the activity room. She picked the movie "Mulan," for everyone to watch. She'd never seen it before, but she thought she'd give it a try because it seemed like the most tolerable movie in there. Lauren sat down next to Camila who naturally had her head in a book. 

"Dork," Lauren mumbled.

"What?" Camila looked up with a half innocent smile. 

"You're a dork, you love reading, you're a nerd. I mean it in a nice way,"

"Oh, yeah, I totally knew that!"

"Barely. Anything new? What happened well I was gone?"

"Eh, nothing. I read half my book and played solitaire.... Oh! Yeah! My mom called, said I'm leaving on Wednesday. I'm excited, I reaaaaaaaallllyyyy want to get out of here. It's nice being away from everything. In fact, it's lovely being away from everything. I don't really want to go home, I don't want to deal with any of that, but.. I have to. SO yeah." Camila explained.

"I'm leaving on Wednesday too! But me and my mom got into an argument, my dad and her are splitting up. She said it was my fault—and I guess it is. But I'm really tired of that being the excuse for their shitty marriage. But I don't even know, all I know is that I want to move out. I just cannot be there anymore, so as soon as I get out, I'm apartment searching."

"Oh, wow, I don't even know what to say, I'm sorry, though, I'm really sorry."

"No, don't be. I'm glad I'm finally moving on. Wanna play cards? Or you can tell me about the book you're reading while we wait for dinner?" Lauren asked.

 

"Both. We can do both." Camila said while shuffling the cards and then placing them out on the table. She hated cards before she knew Lauren existed. Now it was her favorite thing to do. Favorite way to make the day go by faster. To make 12 come faster. 

 

They all eventually made their way into the dining hall, Camila and Lauren were finally allowed to actually go there because they had gotten off their 15 minute checks. They sat together at the cramped table. This really wasn't the type of freedom they wanted, in fact, they'd both rather be upstairs in the peace and quiet. But it was too late for that now. 

Camila shoved French fries in her face while Lauren smiled at her. 

"Eat," Camila said, a mouthful of fries.

"I am, I am, I just feel weird," Lauren said, eating a few of her fries. She definitely didn't have an eating disorder but everything was so hard to stomach while in the hospital. Even the fries that tasted like heaven. 

"EAAAAAT!" Camila practically screamed.

"Shhhhhh, you're gonna get in trouble!" Lauren shouted back at her, finally eating her burger along with her fries.

"Ok, thank you, I just worry—all you've been doing is sleeping and I'm sure your body is tired from that. And you aren't eating or anything and I know you don't have an eating disorder, I know it's from the medicine, I know you'll get over the tiredness, I just worry." Camila explained. Lauren just smiled. She smiled because, for once in her life, someone actually understood what she was going through. For once Lauren didn't have to explain herself.

"Why are you smiling?"

"You get me, I like that," Lauren said, halfway done with her burger and fries, "but I think I ate too much. I feel better, though," she said, smiling, and then drinking her large glass of water. 

They both put their trays away and followed Victoria back upstairs. Lauren and Camila brushed hands, and naturally Lauren pulled away. Before they walked into their rooms, Camila mumbled something.

"12?" 

"12." Lauren said, a smile spreading across her face.

**thank you for reading :) ******


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, thank you for reading :) also tomorrow is 7/27 and the girls have been together for 4 years I'm so emo about it and I'm meeting them soon omg BUT!!! thank you for reading 4 real, ily.

                   

  

Nights at the hospital, for Lauren, usually consisted of her taking a shower and slipping into some sort of depressive episode where she sleeps away everything that's bugging her. But she felt different. She didn't know why exactly; it could have been the meds, it could have been Camila, it could be the fact that she's finally moving out of the toxic environment that she calls her home. It could have been everything. It probably was everything.  
Lauren went into the shower and stood there, burning water running down her back, while she stared at the gross grey colored wall. She wanted out of here, she wanted to just run away with Camila. She wanted the both of them to be okay. She wanted this to work out. She wanted to grow some balls and get over her dumb feelings.

  

Lauren put her pajamas on and instead of wallowing in her self-pity, she went to the activity room to watch the movie and just sit with Camila and the rest of the girls. Two more days, she thought, two more days. That's all I have to survive. Then I'm out of here. 

________________________________________  
At around 9, the movie finished, and even though Lauren was allowed to stay up until 10, she went into her room and stared at the ceiling for a while. There wasn't much to think about, she wanted to think about why she was here, why she was so messed up. But for the first time in an extremely long time, she felt as if she was going to be okay. 

  

Maybe she was feeling numb or she was feeling better, she didn't quite know. She didn't feel her usually overwhelming sadness, but she didn't feel happy, either. She didn't know what she felt, she just knew she wasn't sad in the moment. And that was okay with her.

  

Not that her problems were gone, she knew they weren't, she just knew she was going to be okay. She was getting the treatment she needed to get and somewhere, deep down, a small piece of her was thankful she tried to kill herself. If she hadn't, she'd probably not be digging her way out of the hole she created for herself.

Victoria interrupted Lauren's long train of thought with the words Lauren never thought she'd hear: "I'm proud of you,"

"What?" Lauren asked, obviously confused as fuck.

"You've been through a lot, I know that, and I think I misjudged you.. I think we all misjudged you. I've seen you here all these times and not once did you even try to get better, or it seemed like you didn't try. I'm not inside your head, so I don't know. But right now, it really seems like you're trying. And I'm proud of you for that. I know that's a big step for you and I know how difficult it must be to get yourself out of toxic situations. But you're doing it, and for that, in proud of you," Victoria explained.

"Oh. Well, thank you, it does mean a lot coming from you," Lauren lied through her teeth. Truth is, she didn't care what Victoria thought of her, but it was nice to hear that someone was proud of her. It was nice seeing that at least someone was recognising her finally trying. Even though she's been trying her whole life. But no one ever gets that.

"You're welcome. It's almost 10, I think you should get ready to go to sleep."

"Yeah, I will.. Wait, before you go can you bring me a radio so I can listen to music?" Lauren asked. She knew that they'd leave the radio in there until about 12 in the morning, so she was going to match the radio clock to the clock in the hallway so she could be able to go in the bathroom exactly at 12, so she could see Camila.  
Victoria came back with the radio and Lauren poked her head out to look at the clock at the end of the hallway. She plugged the radio in, turned on some random, what she thought was popular, station, and then proceeded to change the time.  It was 10:02. Two hours.  
Lauren got up to turn her light off, and before she hit the light switch, she made sure Victoria was gone before writing "Are you awake?" on a small piece of paper, to give Camila later. Lauren knew that she was going wake up in the middle of the night, she always did, and she couldn't really sleep through the night at the hospital. But she still needed the clock to remind her of what time it was, because she was an anxious mess and she didn't want to let Camila down by not waking up. She shoved the note in her pocket, turned the light off, and got into bed.  
________________________________________ 

 

  

"Fuck!" Lauren mumbled, she hit her head on the wall from tossing and turning. It was the one thing she always seemed to do. She glanced at the clock: 11:58 PM. Just in time. Lauren knew since she was off 15 minute checks, no one was going to come in and check on her, except for when someone comes to take the radio away. She laid there, staring at the clock for what felt like hours, but, when the clock hit 12:03, the bright red numbers shut off and disappeared into the night. 

She waited a  good 2 or 3 minutes before getting up and going into the bathroom, just to make sure that no one was going to come back. Lauren put her hand on the cold silver doorknob and felt chills run up her spine. She was nervous. She turned the knob and she heard something hit the door, and then she heard a voice whisper-yell "shit!" It was Camila.

"Shhhh, it's only me," Lauren whispered.

"Oh. Ok. You didn't turn the light on, I didn't know it was you,"

"I know, I'm sorry, I didn't want to turn the light on because if I turned it on, I thought maybe they'd eventually come in and check what the light was doing on for so long. I didn't want us to get caught. We have to be really quiet, though," Lauren explained.

"No, I know, it's okay. I'm just glad you're here." 

"Me too." Both girls sat on the cold tile floor, facing each other, even though they both couldn't see anything.

"So... Why'd you want to meet me here?" Camila questioned, her voice shaking out of nervousness.

"I just wanted to see you, I just miss you. I've been feeling weird lately and I feel like I haven't seen you lately. Even though we've known each other for a few days, I really feel like I've known you for a while.... That's not creepy, is it?"

"No, I feel the same way."

Lauren grabbed Camila's hand and started playing with her fingers. 

"You know, I haven't given you my number yet, but I'll give it to you Wednesday when we both get out of here.. I hope you still want to see me when we get out of here.." Lauren mumbled.

"Lauren? Why would you say that? Of course I want to see you again. Why wouldn't I? You give me hope, you make me feel like it's gonna be okay. You're the first person who I feel like cares about me genuinely. I wouldn't want to not have you in my life. I know it sounds like a cliché teenager relationship thing where they decide they want to be together forever, but it's not. None of this is cliché. I just like it." Camila explained. 

"Relationship, huh? No one said anything about relationships!" Lauren jokingly said.

"Oh. Fuck. I fucking messed this all up like I usually do, I'm so fucking sorry Lauren. I'm so sorry, I don't know why I always do this, I don't know why I can't just shut the fuck up for once in my life," Camila said with a crack in her voice. She started to get up but Lauren grabbed her wrist and pulled her back down so they were both sitting on the ground again. 

Lauren pressed her lips against Camila's, making sure Camila knew how she felt.

Lauren wiped a tear from Camila's eye.

"I was kidding, Camila, I want this, I want you."


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ily all for reading <333

Lauren grabbed Camila's hand and ignored the fact that it was sweaty and shaky, because she, too, was nervous.

"How are we going to do this?" Camila asked.

"Well... we're going to have to act normal; we have to act like this isn't a thing." Lauren whispered.

"I don't think I can do that."

"Why?"

"I'm bad at hiding stuff, I don't know if you've noticed, but I already over share enough information." Camila said while laughing.

"Oh I've noticed!" Lauren chuckled. "But for now we just have to pretend. We'll be okay, tomorrow is Tuesday and then Wednesday and we'll be out of here soon. I'll give you my number on Wednesday and we'll talk right after we get out of here, it's all gonna be okay." Lauren pulled Camila in for a hug and she could feel her shaking and she wasn't sure if it was because she was nervous, or because the floor felt like ice water.

"You promise?"

"I promise," Lauren reached for Camila's hand and then wrapped her pinky around Camila's. "I promise you, it's going to work. I'll make it work."

Camila pressed her lips against Lauren's and Lauren couldn't stop herself from smiling.

"We should go, I don't want them to hear us." Camila mumbled.

"I was just going to say that."

"Goodnight Lauren."

"Goodnight, Camila. I'll see you at breakfast."

Lauren walked out first, Camila waited a minute and then walked into her own room. Lauren was freezing so she ran to her bed and quickly covered herself with the blanket.

It took her a while to fall asleep; she was thinking about Camila. She was trying to figure out how this would work. She knew it would work, but she was trying to figure out what she'd do about living on her own, what she'd do about a job, what she'd do for school, if she'd go to school.

Eventually Lauren fell asleep and she woke up to the sound of someone knocking on her door, telling her to get up.

She dragged herself out of bed and opened her bathroom door, she didn't even think to knock before she went in. Camila was just standing at the sink brushing her teeth and before either of them could say anything, Lauren knew she had to get out before she got yelled at.

"Lauren! I'm out of the bathroom!" Camila yelled.

Lauren made her way into the bathroom, brushed her hair, brushed her teeth, and washed her face.

She left the bathroom and dragged herself down the hallway and walked up to the counter so she could get her medicine.

She picked up the paper cup, put her medicine in her mouth, picked up the cup of water and swallowed her medicine. She opened her mouth so the nurse could see that she had actually taken her pills.

"Lauren, the psychiatrist will be coming by your room today to discuss your treatment with you," the nurse informed her.

This wasn't anything unusual, so Lauren walked into the cafeteria, grabbed some plain Cheerios and sat in her usual spot next to Camila.

"Hi," Camila said, smiling.

"God you're such a dork." Lauren said, crunching her Cheerios between her teeth.

"So.. Do you know what time you're leaving tomorrow?"

"I think 10, I'm not sure, do you know what time you're leaving?"

"They told my mom 9, so I guess 9."

"Oh, okay. We'll both be out of here soon."

"I know," Camila said, smiling."

"So I have to tell you something." Lauren mumbled.

"What?"

Lauren looked around before she spoke. "I'm planning on finding my own apartment when I get out of here. I need to get out of my house, it's just not a good environment for me. I know that really doesn't affect us, but I just wanted to let you know." Lauren said.

"Oh that's nice, I'm really glad that you're trying to get to a better place. That really makes me happy, I'm so proud of you Lauren."

"Thank you," Lauren said, trying really hard to hide her smile.

Both girls got up to go into their room, but when Lauren got to her room, the psychiatrist was sitting on her bed. Lauren sat down next to her.

"So this isn't a big issue, really. However, we've talked as a team and we've all come to an agreement that we're diagnosing you with borderline personality disorder. I know you might be upset because we misdiagnosed you, but bipolar disorder is commonly diagnosed instead of borderline personality disorder. This was a mistake on our end and we're extremely sorry for this. This doesn't affect your treatment, you will still be on lithium and we're just going to add in an antidepressant called Wellbutrin. We were going to do that anyway, regardless of what we diagnosed you with."

Lauren didn't say anything.

"Lauren? Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I mean, I had a feeling that I had borderline, but I wasn't sure, I'm not a doctor. I'm not upset, I'm just glad that I finally know what's wrong with me."

"Again, I'm sorry. I'll put in the order for your medicine and you should have it by tonight."

"Thank you."

The day was the same as usual, they had art, group therapy, lunch, more group therapy, and then dinner. They watched Bridge to Terabithia and nearly everyone cried, even Victoria.

It was time for everyone besides Lauren to go to bed, but Lauren chose to go to bed anyway.

"Victoria? Could you please get me a radio?" Lauren asked.

"Yes."

Lauren walked down to her room and when she walked past Camila's room, she looked at her and said "Bathroom. 12."

Victoria brought the radio to Lauren, Lauren then matched the time to the one out in the hallway: 9:34.

Lauren sat at her desk and started to play solitaire. She shuffled the cards over and over and over and over until the edges of the cards started to peel. She played two games and checked the clock: 10:47.

She put her cards away, turned off her light, and got into bed. This wasn't somewhat early for Lauren to go to bed. But for once she felt like she could actually fall asleep. Maybe it was because she was leaving tomorrow. Maybe it was because she had someone.   
Lauren soon fell into a quiet and comfortable slumber, but when she woke up she realised that her clock was gone. As quietly as she possibly could be, she hurried her way to the bathroom door and turned the knob very slowly.  
She didn't want Camila to be mad or disappointed or upset or anything that would make her feel differently about Lauren. The door creaked while opening and it made Lauren even more anxious. It was pitch black inside the bathroom; she couldn't see anything and she couldn't hear anything.

"C-Camila? Are you in here, I'm sorry I just fell asleep I meant to stay up, I'm sorry. You're probably not even in here," Lauren said, turning around to open the bathroom door so she could return to bed. Lauren felt two cold hands grab her by the waist and turn her around.

"Hi." Camila whispered.

"Hi," Lauren said, smiling.

"I missed you."

"We're you waiting long for me? I'm sorry that I to-," Lauren was interrupted by the familiar soft lips pressed against hers.

"I only waited a few minutes, it wasn't that long at all,"

"Oh, okay, but I'm still sorry! I feel so bad."

"Lauren! You need sleep. Please don't be sorry for sleeping, that's like saying sorry for breathing and I don't want you to be sorry for that."

"Come in my room."

"What?"

"Come in my room!"

"Are you sure Lauren? What if we get in trouble? What if someone sees us?"

"No one is going to see, just come on," Lauren said, turning the scratched up silver knob on the bathroom door.  
Lauren got into bed and motioned for Camila to get into bed with her. Camila got into bed, pulled the covers over them, and faced Lauren.

"What are we doing? Are we going to talk all night? Because I'm tired but I mean I could totally talk all night if you needed me to," Camila said fast, but was interrupted with a kiss from Lauren.

"We can talk, but I'm tired, and you're tired too so let's sleep. If either of us wakes up before its time to actually get up, then we'll just wake each other up and you'll go back to your room," Lauren said.

"I just don't want to get into trouble!"

"Shhhh... You're fine, no ones going to get into trouble."

"Okay. Fine, I trust you."

Lauren could feel Camila smile, so she wrapped her arms around her and that's how they fell asleep.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg ok i met the girls yesterday AND THEY REMEMBERED ME!! it was so fucking amazing and cute, during the q&a i got to ask a question so i was like "uhh my name is stella-" and they were like "WE REMEMBER YOU!" and dinah was like "I REMEMBER YOU! what's up girrlllll" and ally was like "Hi Stellaaaaa." and i was omg so shook so i asked what their fave drinks were and i got it on video but yeah and then i went to MEET THEM. and i got that on audio so i walk in and ally was like "BABYYY" hooo my god i couldnt breathe i hugged them all 3 times n when i was taking my pic i walked over to lauren fast and she was like "come here mama" and oh my god. and i was like "thank you guys for everything youve done because i would probably be dead without you" and ally was like "BABYGIRL YOURE SO CUTE " AND THEY SAID I LOVE YOU AND I WAS LIKEDJSLKKDHC AND CAMILA SAID "I LOVE YOU BEAUTIFUL" AND NORMANI SAID "I LOVE YOU STELLA" ADHDSKJCH IM IN FUCKING TEARS IM SORRY IF U DONT CARE IM JUST SO!!!!!! EMO ABOUT IT

The sun poking out of the crack in the shades was what woke Camila up. Her and Lauren fell asleep cuddling, and that's how they woke up. The bed wasn't that big; it barely fit the two of them. However, Camila didn't seem to mind, because all she craved was being next to Lauren.

Before Camila even had a chance to enjoy the moment, she remembered that, since they were still in the hospital, she had to go back into her room and get out of her fantasy world. If she didn't, who knows what they'd do.

Camila tapped Lauren to get her attention, but Lauren didn't seem like she was going to get up any time soon.

"Lauuuurreeeennnn, Lauren wake up," Camila whispered. Lauren stirred, but still didn't wake up, so Camila began to panic.

"Lauren...." Camila started panicking so she started to shake Lauren's whole body and that's when Lauren's body jerked. Camila had a feeling Lauren was going to scream so she quickly placed her hand over Lauren's mouth.

"Shhhhh, be quiet, they'll know I'm in here," Camila whispered.

Lauren's eyes dilated to the point where all Camila could see was a circle of black and a thin line of green, and then Lauren remembered that Camila wasn't supposed to be in her room.

"Fuck, you have to go in your room! Why didn't you just go in your room instead of waking me?!" Lauren's voice was becoming less of a whisper.

"Oh, I- I didn't think about that," Camila's voice cracked. She got up from the bed and walked towards the door, "I'll go, I'm sorry I- "

Lauren jumped up from the bed and quickly followed Camila to the bathroom. She grabbed her arm and turned her around, only to realize that Camila was crying.

"No, no, don't cry I didn't mean it like that! I didn't want you to leave I just didn't want us to get in trouble, if they saw us like that I wouldn't have been able to give you my number or anything. I just didn't want them to know, okay? They don't take things like this lightly." Lauren tried explaining, but Camila continued to stare at the floor while tears rolled down her cheeks.

"Camila... Please look at me," Lauren reached for Camila's face to wipe away her tears. Camila managed to stop crying but still didn't make eye contact with Lauren, so Lauren put her arms around Camila's waist and pulled her in for a hug. She didn't want to let go, but she had to

"I'm sorry." Lauren pulled a crumbled piece of paper out of her pocket with her number on it.

"Here," Lauren handed the paper to Camila, "But I don't know if you even want to talk to me anymore."

Lauren went to turn around to go in her room, but Camila grabbed the back of her shirt to stop her. Without hesitating, Lauren turned around, and to her surprise, Camila pressed her lips against hers.

Lauren was confused as to why what just happened, happened, but nevertheless, she was just happy to be kissing Camila.

"Do you still like me?" Camila whispered.

"What? Why wouldn't I still like you? Why would I kiss you and lay next to you if I didn't like you?

"Because, I never-" before Camila could finish, they both heard someone down the hallway calling for everyone to get up for meds and breakfast.

"I still like you, don't ever doubt that, okay? But you have to go in your room, and don't lose the paper I just gave you!"

Camila went into her own room and put the piece of paper that Lauren gave her into her bra so she wouldn't leave it anywhere, and Lauren went back into her own room. She walked out of her room into the hallway and stopped at Camila's room.

"Hey, Camila? I have to use the bathroom so can you not go in it right now?" Lauren said, because she's supposed to let the other person know when you're using the bathroom so they don't come in when you're in there.

Lauren went through the motions of brushing her teeth, going to the bathroom, brushing her hair, all of that good stuff. The only thought going through her mind was that she wanted to know what Camila was going to say. Camila never what?

Lauren didn't bother to change out of her pyjamas because, first of all, she was already a disappointment to her parents so it didn't even matter, and second of all, she didn't give a fuck anymore. All she had to do was make it through breakfast and morning group, but most likely they would let her out of morning group so she could get her all of her belongings together.

She walked down the familiar hallway to get her medicine, exchanging words and smiles here and there to convince people she was A-Okay. She was, for the most part. Then she sat down across from Camila for breakfast.

"Hi," Camila said, a mouthful of bananas, she was always eating bananas.

"Hi," Lauren replied.

"You're not gonna eat?"

"No, I was probably just going to get food on the way home or eat something at home."

"Oh, okay, as long as you eat."

"I will, don't worry. Are we okay now?"

"Yes, I'm sorry about what happened, I don't know why I get like that, it just happens and I don't have an excuse for it. It happens and I let it happen and I'm sorry."

"No, ba-," She was going to say babe, but Lauren stopped herself. She cleared her throat.

"No, don't be sorry, please don't be sorry. I understand it happens to me too, but the last thing I want is for you to be sorry about it. You might not be able to help it now and that's okay." Lauren said.

"You're so nice, I don't know why you're so nice to me."

"Because I care." Both girls got up, Camila threw her banana peels away and Lauren headed over to the fridge to get ice, then turned the sink on to get water.

"That's gross!" Camila yelled.

"What's gross?"

"Tap water, it's like, not clean."

"What kind of water do you think they bring you when you ask for water? You've been drinking tap water since you've been here!" Lauren said, laughing.

Camila's eyes widened but then she knew it didn't matter. After all, the water couldn't have been that bad, considering she didn't get sick from it.

Both girls walked out of the door but were stopped by an unfamiliar staff member.

"Are you Camila and Lauren?" He said. Both Lauren and Camila's face went pale, thinking that maybe they were caught.

"Um y-" Lauren quickly cleared her throat. "Yes, that's us."

"Okay, good! You're both leaving today, I just wanted to give you guys some bags so you could get your belongings together. You're more than welcome to join us for morning group, or you can go to your rooms. It doesn't matter, it's up to you guys!" He said, handing bags to both of the girls.

They both took several bags and Lauren raised her eyebrows and shot a look at Camila before walking towards their rooms.

"You better hurry, it's like eight thirty," Lauren called to Camila through their bathroom door.

"Oh, fuck, is it really?"

"I mean, I'd help you but-" Lauren said, but Camila was already in her room.

"I said I'd help d help you not you help me!" Lauren chuckled.

"I know." Camila put her lips close to Lauren's, but didn't kiss her yet.

"I just wanted to kiss you before I leave, in case we don't talk ever again." Camila said, pressing her lips against Lauren's.

Lauren didn't want to stop kissing her banana flavored lips, but she of course needed to know what Camila was talking about.

"Why are you saying that?" Lauren said, grabbing Camila's arm.

"I'm just saying."

"But why? Why wouldn't we talk again? Are you not planning on texting me when you leave?" Lauren said, turning around to make sure her room door was shut.

"Yes, I'm going to text you, of course I am, but what if my mom doesn't give me back my phone or something? What if something goes wrong and I can't talk to you? And then what if we don't talk for a while and you forget about me and you move on?"

"Hey, stop. I'm not going anywhere, okay? Don't worry. I'll understand if we don't talk right away. We'll figure it out. But you gotta go get your stuff together now, it's almost time for you to go." Lauren said, giving Camila a quick kiss on her cheek.

After their conversation, Camila went into her room and started shoving everything into her bags, and Lauren did the same. Lauren didn't really care anymore, she just wanted to get out of the hospital.

Lauren found all of her Xanax she was saving. What she was saving it for, she had no idea. Usually she takes too much of it to calm down or just not think about anything, but she hadn't needed to do that. Instead of taking it home with her, she went into the bathroom and flushed it.

While she was in the bathroom, she noticed that Camila's room was empty. Lauren shoved all of her stuff into bags as fast as she could and walked a little slower than a jog, but fast enough to get to the end of the hall quick. She was franticly looking for Camila, and there she was sitting to the side of the waiting area next to the fish tanks.

"I thought you left," Lauren mumbled, sitting down next to Camila.

"I freaked out and didn't say bye because someone said my mom was here, but she's signing papers so I can't leave yet."

Before Lauren responded, she saw Clara walk into the waiting area.

"Looks like we're leaving at the same time," Camila said, happily, but at the same time with a flat tone, because she knew how much Lauren disliked her mom.

"I guess." Lauren said, but made no effort to get up because she knew they'd call her over when she was allowed to leave. The two of them sat there in silence because they just wanted to enjoy each other's presence.

To their surprise, both of their moms walked out at the same time, laughing with each other. Clara and Sinu walked over to both of the girls.

"You two sure seem to know each other! Which is great, because me and your mom have been friends for the longest time!" Clara said to Camila. Lauren thought it was weird that the two girls had never met before this.

"I had no idea Clara was still here! I haven't even thought about calling her. Regardless, we have to go pick up your sister after we go to the store." Sinu said, holding her hand out to help Camila up.

"I'm fine, I can get up." Camila said, and both girls got up at the same time, and walked out of the waiting room with their moms.

 

All four of them got on the elevator to go downstairs. Once they reached the 1st floor and got outside, Lauren got the chills; it felt like she hadn't been outside in an extremely long time.

"Hopefully we'll see you guys soon!" Clara shouted, walking towards her car.

"Bye, Camila." Lauren said, following her mom towards the car, wondering what was going to happen next.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, ily, ur all wonderful <3

Lauren heard the lock of the car click to unlock, so she opened the back door to put her bags in. She then got in the passenger's seat and waited for her mom to get in the car.

 

"What are you doing?" Lauren said, confused, because her mom was just standing outside of the car. Clara opened the door and sniffed, and Lauren knew she was in for some shit.

 

"Christ, are you really crying?" Lauren asked.

 

"Why do you always have to be so disrespectful?" Clara said, wiping her eyes with a Kleenex.

 

"I'm not being disrespectful; I just don't understand why you're crying? I should be the one crying, not you."

 

"I'm crying because of this, because of all you put me through, all you've put this family through."

 

"Okay, but I told you I'm moving out. I told you that as soon as I got home, I'd find a place and I'd move out. You don't have to give me money, you don't have to fucking do anything, I have enough money saved up. Sorry I couldn't use the fucking computer at the psych ward to look up apartments so you didn't have to fucking deal with me. I don't get why you're making this all about yourself! I don't get why you always have to do this?"

 

"I don't want you to leave, I don't want you to move out, I just want all of this nonsense to stop. Can you stop all of this?"

 

"Are you kidding me? Are you serious right now? You think this was some fun game? You really think I did this for fun, do you really think I did this so I could have a laugh?"

 

"Honey, I know this was just some sort of thing you needed to get out of your system, you don't belong there, you aren't one of them! You know you aren't! You're my little Lauren and this isn't you. This isn't how you are."

 

"Yeah, well, it is how I am. It's how I've been, and I'm not sorry at all for getting help. Can we leave?"

 

Clara started the car and drove off. She reached into her purse to grab Lauren's phone, which she handed to her.

 

"Thanks." Lauren mumbled. She turned her phone on and realized she had no notifications, so she put it down on her lap. 

 

"You don't have to move out."

 

"Yes I do."

"You're graduating this year and you're turning 18 at the end of June, can't you just wait until then?"

 

"Why is it so important that I stay? Dad is already leaving you, this family is already fucked up. Are you worried people are gonna think differently about me because I moved out? Or is it because you don't want anyone to know that your picture perfect family is fucked up?"

 

"I just don't want you to regret all of this."

 

"I'll regret not doing it, I need to leave. I can't stay there anymore. It's clear that you just want everything to be perfect, but I'm not perfect. I'll never be perfect. You can start by emancipating me. I don't care anymore. I really don't. 

 

"If it makes you feel any better, I've already started filling the papers out... I didn't send them in yet, I was hoping you'd rethink this, Lauren."

 

"Send them in." That's the last thing Lauren said before walking into the house. She knew her dad wouldn't be at home, he was at work. Taylor and Chris were both at school, and her mom was already on her way to work. They cared so much, they'd let her home alone with everything to kill herself with possible.

 

But Lauren wasn't going to try to kill herself again, she didn't want to do that again. So she made herself a bowl of cereal and went upstairs to start searching for apartments. She sat on her bed, which felt like clouds compared to the hospital bed. She proceeded to open her laptop and eat her cereal while she went on several websites looking for apartments. The only thing she was worried about, about the apartment, was that it had to be somewhat close to school because there was no way in hell that she was going to wake up any earlier than she already had to.

 

After a while, Lauren's bowl and laptop both made their way on the floor and Lauren was spread out on her bed, sleeping. She didn't even have the energy to get up and turn her light off, but it was a good thing she left her pajamas on from the hospital, because she was certainly not going to get up and change. She did end up finding a few ideal apartments; she couldn't call the owners and ask about when she could look at the apartments, because Clara had the keys to her car. Even if Lauren wanted to leave the house, she didn't have the keys to the car or her house. What type of family doesn't keep spare keys? The Jauregui family.

 

Lauren woke up to the sound of clattering dishes, and she damn well knew it wasn't because her mom was making her breakfast. She checked her phone: it was 7:27. She tried rolling over and going back to sleep, but two minutes after closing her eyes, right as she was drifting off into a deep sleep, she heard her dad scream "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU LET HER BACK INTO MY HOUSE." 

 

Lauren sighed. Her dad would be leaving soon anyways; he always left a half hour before her mom left. Her dad left around 7:30 to bring Taylor and Chris to school, and her mom left around 8. She heard the front door slam shut, followed by the sound of the garage opening. She waited for the garage to close before walking downstairs.

 

"Hey, mom, could you leave my keys here? I need to go look at some apartments." Lauren asked, rubbing her eyes."

 

"Of course."

 

"He doesn't want me here." Lauren said while sitting down at the edge of the island counter.

 

"No, but I do, it would hurt for me to divorce him, but I would do that for you."

 

"You won't divorce him. You've said this before, I'm tired of it, so are you, and so is the rest of the family."

 

"But –"

 

"Mom, it's okay, I'm going to move out. I'll come visit, but for now it's better that I go."

 

"You'll be home later though, right? You seen moving out while everyone's gone are you?"

 

"I mean, I'd like to be out of here as soon as possible. But I'm going back to bed, so by the time I actually go look at the apartments, it'll be late. I don't think I'll be leaving today, and if I were, I'd let you know. I figured you could help me?"

 

"Sure, of course, I'll see you later, I have to go." Clara half smiled and kissed Lauren on the cheek. Lauren knew she was hurting her mom, but she couldn't keep hurting the family like that. She knew everyone would be upset at first about her moving out, but it was the best solution to all of this. After all, the toxic environment was partly why she overdosed.

 

Lauren decided that she wasn't hungry, so she made her way upstairs and plopped herself in the middle of her queen size bed. She put her phone on the charger and rolled over and drifted off into a deep sleep.

Lauren woke up to her phone buzzing. It was just a text, so she didn't really think too much of it. She rubbed her eyes and grabbed her phone, then rolled over to the other side of the bed.

 

Lauren hadn't seen the number before, so she scrolled to the top of the thread to find out who it was.

 

The first text, 11:52: Hi Lauren. It's Camila.

 

Second text, 12:02: Lauren? Well, if this even is Lauren?

 

Third text, 12:07: okay. so I'm probably bothering you now. sorry if this isn't even Lauren.

 

Fourth text, 12:23: but if this isn't Lauren could you let me know so I can stop sending you messages? 

 

Fifth text, 12:36: okay. well, for real, bye I guess.

 

Lauren looked up at the time, it was 12:38 and she didn't want Camila to feel anymore anxious than she probably already was, so she added Camila's number to her phone and texted her back.

 

Lauren, 12:39: Hiiiii, I'm sorry I was sleeping 

 

Camila, 12:40: oh, okay. I'm sorry I bothered you

 

Lauren, 12:40: Nooooo, don't worry, you didn't bother me!!!

 

Lauren, 12:42: I miss you.

 

Camila, 12:45: I miss you, too

 

Lauren, 12:46: Are you okay?

 

Camila, 12:50: I'm fine, I'm just tired, I'm bored, and I want to see you.

 

Lauren, 12:51: So come over?

 

Camila, 12:52: I don't have a way to get there, and I don't know where you live.

 

Lauren, 12:53: text me your address, ill come pick you up

 

Camila, 12:54: okay, it's 51 carpenter street

 

Lauren: okay babe I'll be there soon

 

Lauren immediately realised what she said and tried to turn airplane mode on so the message wouldn't send, but it had already sent. She threw her phone on her bed and started to take her pants off, and then she remembered she hasn't had a shower in a couple of days. Surely Camila wouldn't mind if Lauren smelled nice instead of gross. 

 

After she showered, she put pajamas back on, because it wasn't like she had to impress Camila, Camila had already seen her look like complete trash anyway. But at least they were clean pajamas. Lauren threw her sneakers on, grabbed her keys, phone, and a granola bar, and got in her car. 

 

She checked the radio in her car and it was only 1:25, and she hadn't looked at her phone until now so she could put the address in. All Camila said was, was "okay" with a smiley emoji. She pulled out of her driveway and made her way to Camila's house, which was literally a four minute car ride from her house.

 

Lauren didn't even have to text Camila, because Camila was already sitting on the steps leading to her house.

 

"I didn't know you lived so close, it's like, for minutes from my house." Lauren said, smiling.

 

"Oh, yeah, well I didn't know where you lived either, so I didn't know, I would've walked." Camila said, her voice sounding flat.

 

"What's wrong?" Lauren back out of Camila's driveway and made her way home. Camila never answered Lauren's question, and Lauren didn't feel like she should pester her.

 

They both got out of the car and walked into the house. It was almost 1:45.

 

"Um, well, do you need anything?" Lauren asked.

 

"No, I'm okay."

 

Lauren grabbed two bottles of water in case Camila did end up needing a drink or something. Camila followed Lauren up to her room and they both sat on the bed, across from each other with their legs folded.

 

"I need to tell you something..." Camila mumbled. Lauren immediately felt like someone kicked her in the stomach. She thought of every possible thing Camila could tell her, but the only one that really stuck out was Camila telling her that she didn't want to do this anymore. But why on earth would Camila even say that? 

 

"What is it?" Lauren said, wide eyed.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiiiiii hello. i'm starting college wednesday sooo... i honestly dont know if i will be updating/where this story is going. i have 3 more chapters in addition to this one already written, so there will be at least 16 chapters in total for y'all. so yeah. i'm going to try and write more before i leave, i don't want this story to end but!!! i don't want to make you guys wait weeks for updates, unless you're all okay with that lol. but yeah, that's really it. thank you for reading :) ily all!!!

"I've never, like, dated anyone before, so I don't know what I'm doing," Camila said.

"Okay, that's okay," Lauren said with a smile, but for some reason felt her stomach turn into a knot.

"Is that okay?"

"Yeah, no, it's okay, I just don't want to be some sort of... Experiment. I don't want this to be something you're just doing to do, or to find out if you actually like girls. I've never asked what your sexuality is and I don't care what you are, as long as you're not straight, and as long as you're sure you're into girls. If you're curious about being with a girl, that's okay, that's perfectly okay, I just don't want me to be the person you find that out with. I don't want to get invested in this and have you tell me you're straight. I know that's selfish, but I just don't want to get my hopes up for something that might not be real."

"No, I'm gay. I want this; I want you."

"Okay."

"Do you not believe me?"

"No, I believe you, I'm just... scared. I don't know."

"I'm scared too."

"I don't want to hurt you, Camila."

"I don't want to hurt you either, Lauren, but we're going to hurt each other, and neither of us want that to happen, but everyone hurts each other and we just... have to make sure that it's worth the hurt. I don't want to get hurt by you, but I like you, a lot, and I know you're worth the hurt."

"You're really lovely, do you know that? You're so nice and wonderful and pretty and you make everything better, you really do." Lauren smiled and held Camila's hands. She was falling for Camila, even though it had been only a few days. She falls fast and falls hard, that's just what she does.

"Will you be my girlfriend?" Camila asked.

"Yes, of course, I would absolutely love to be your girlfriend. And I kinda felt like we were already dating anyway, so I thought it was just implied."

"February 10th, our official date." Camila laid down and got under Lauren's pale blue blanket that felt like a bunch of tiny clouds knit together. "Come here."

So Lauren did, she got under the blanket and faced Camila. Camila was against the wall and Lauren was on the edge of the bed.

"You're on my side of the bed, you know." Lauren smiled.

"Oh, we can switch?"

"No, it's okay, I was kidding, kinda, it is my favorite side of the bed but I just wanted to mess with you."

Camila nuzzled her head into Lauren's neck and Lauren pulled her closer so there wasn't any space left between them. It was only 2:30, and no one would be home until around 5. Lauren wanted to enjoy this time with Camila but she also knew she was supposed to be looking at apartments. She wouldn't have to worry about anyone coming home and seeing her and Camila if she just moved out already.

 

Only a few minutes later and Camila was already starting to breathe heavy and enter into a deep sleep. Lauren didn't mind, this is what she wanted. She wanted everything to stop so she could lay there with Camila forever.

 

Lauren accidentally fell asleep but she woke up in a panic thinking about if her parents were home. She picked up her phone and realised it was only 4, and before she had the chance to fully freak out, she called herself down because she realised Camila was still sleeping. And Camila was still holding onto Lauren while she slept.

Lauren didn't want to wake her, but she also didn't want anyone to know that there was a girl sleeping in her bed. Last time there was a girl in her bed, it was Vero, and they weren't even fucking, they were just cuddling, and that started world war 3 in the Jauregui household.

Technically, they knew Lauren was gay, they just refused to believe it. They think it's a phase Lauren's going through, the same as they think her mental illnesses are. But this was how they were; they refused to believe anything that wasn't "normal" and heterosexual.

Lauren let five more minutes go by before deciding she needed to wake up Camila.

"Heyyyyyy....... You gotta wake up......." Lauren said, barely whispering because she honestly just wanted another excuse to let Camila sleep in her bed even longer.

She wanted to lay there forever and stare at Camila, but she knew she couldn't. She didn't want to wake her just yet, so she kissed the top of Camila's head, and that's when Camila opened her eyes.

"Oh, uhhhh, I didn't think that would wake you up," Lauren said, embarrassed by what she just did.

"I was already awake when I heard you whispering, I just wanted to keep sleeping."

"You're a light sleeper, eh?"

"Yes, and you sleep like a log that I could probably light on fire and you still wouldn't wake up."

"C'mon! I'm not that bad! You only tried to wake me once, and that was in the hospital soooooo... that didn't count!"

"You know you are," Camila said, getting closer to Lauren so she could kiss her.

"I'm... not..." Lauren said between kisses.

Camila pulled away and smiled.

"Shut up! You know you are."

"Fine, I am, I know." Lauren said while pulling the blanket off and getting out of bed.

"Noooo.. where are you going?"

"I have to take you home, my parents will be home soon.. And you know Clara wouldn't care that you're here, she thinks we're only friends. But my dad is a whole different story, the last time there was a girl in my bed he nearly kicked me out of the house."

"A girl in your bed?"

"Yeah, my ex..." Lauren said with hesitation.

"Did you fuck her?" A hint of jealousy came out with the words.

"Camila... does it matter?" Lauren didn't fuck her, though. She didn't know why she just didn't say she didn't fuck her.

"Well... no, I guess it doesn't matter, I was just wondering."

"I didn't fuck her."

"No?"

"I didn't, I promise you I didn't, now let's go." Lauren sounded hostile but that wasn't her intention. She grabbed Camila's hand and Camila immediately jerked her hand back.

"Camila! I didn't fuck her! I'm not trying to rush you out I really just don't want them to know you're here. I need to look at apartments still, and I want to see if I can see any of them tonight."

"Can I come with you?" Camila mumbled.

"You literally wouldn't hold my hand and now you want to look at apartments with me? You split more than I do."

"What?"

"Nothing, let's go?" Lauren asked, so she wouldn't sound hostile again. Camila nodded her head and grabbed Lauren's hand and they both walked downstairs. Lauren called the landlords about the apartments, someone had already rented one of them, but the other two told her to come by whenever time tonight. Luckily the one that got rented wasn't the one she really wanted, it was the last option.

They got to the first apartment, the outside was okay looking. It had a small backyard and the house was just plain white, but she didn't really care what the outside looked like. Inside there was only one bedroom, one bathroom, a kitchen and the tiniest living room she'd ever seen.

Well, it was tiny to her because she lived in an unnecessary large house. She wasn't even being snobby about it, even Camila said it was tiny, and Camila's house isn't nearly as big as Lauren's was.

All of the walls were the same white-yellow colour. She assumed they once were white, but now yellowish because they probably hadn't been painted since... A long time. It wasn't furnished but that was whatever, it just was overall shitty and Lauren definitely wasn't going to pay for that, even if it did include all her utilities.

Her and Camila got into the car to drive to the next place but Camila was staring at her with those puppy dog eyes.

"You're hungry, aren't you?" Lauren said with a chuckle.

"No...."

"Yes you are."

"Ok, yes, I am but you don't have to get me anything or stop anywhere."

"You're right. Go find a banana somewhere."

They both started laughing.

"But seriously, what do you want to eat?"

"I don't knowwwwwwwwww... Can you just like, get me a snack and we can eat later?"

"It's almost 5:30, can you wait that long?"

"You make me sound like I need to eat every two hours!!!! And I can wait if you get me a snack."

"You're so cute, you're such a dork. Tell me what you want so we can go to the other place?"

"I donut I guess? Boston cream."

"You guess you want a donut but then tell me specifically what donut to get?" Lauren was laughing and Camila was pouting. Lauren drove to Dunkin Donuts and got Camila her donut and then drove to the other apartment.

Lauren didn't know that it was a condo and she certainly wouldn't have looked into it if she knew it was a condo. But she thought it looked cute and roomy enough, the only downside so far was that it was a little farther away from school than she'd like. 20 minutes away to be exact.

There wasn't that many condos, probably only 5 or 6 connected, and that was fine with her because she didn't want to be around that many people. Plus, she wasn't really sharing anything with anyone, it was like a mini house, they all looked like mini houses stuck together.

It was grey on the outside and the grass was a bright green and Lauren decided that it was worth the 20 minute car ride to school in the morning . But she hadn't seen the inside for herself yet, so who was she to judge?

Lauren and Camila both walked to the door of the condo and Lauren knocked. A tall guy with tanish skin opened the door. To Lauren's surprise, he had grey hair and probably was older than she thought he was.

"Uh, hi, I'm Lauren, I called earlier about wanting to see the place?"

"Oh, yes, I remember." He held his hand out for Lauren to shake. "I'm Ben, nice to meet you."

He looked towards Camila "and who are you?"

"Camila." She shook his hand.

"Okay, well let me show you two around!"

They walked inside and closed the door behind them, and they were both surprised as to how beautiful the inside was. The kitchen and living room were open so they could see from the kitchen into the living room. The floors were hardwood, the countertops were granite, the appliances were stainless steel.

"Oh, wow this is beautiful." Lauren said.

"You're more than welcome to go look at the bedrooms and whatnot! My wife and I are moved up north recently, and instead of selling this we figured we'd rent it out."

Lauren smiled and walked down the hallway. There were two huge empty bedrooms, one with blue walls and the other with yellow walls. But not a gross unintentional yellow, it was meant to be yellow. There was a small room at the end of the hall that looked like a workspace, and the bathroom was one of the nicest Lauren had ever seen. It had a huge bathtub and shower, even Lauren's bathroom didn't look as good as that.

"I don't even know what to say, this is gorgeous."

"If you'd like it could come furnished, partially furnished or not at all. It's completely up to you."

"I mean, I'd say I'd call you back about this, but I don't think I'm going to find anything better."

"So you'll take it?"

"Yes, of course, I'd absolutely love to."

"Do you need to talk about it... with... your..."

"Oh, uh, girlfriend, but no she won't be moving in with me."

"Okay then, you can sign the papers, I just need first and last months rent, and the deposit. Which should be around $3,600. It's $1,200 a month, which I'm sure you're aware of. Is that ok?"

"Yes, definitely." Lauren made out the check for the guy and signed the lease, the entire time Camila was just standing behind her, quiet as a mouse.

"Alright, you're all set. You can move in whenever you'd like, tonight if you wanted to. Do you know what you'd like me to do about the furniture?"

"I'd like to keep it. Is that extra?"

"No it's not." He handed Lauren the keys to the apartment. "Here you are, I hope you enjoy living here. If there's any problems, please don't hesitate to call at all."

"Thank you!" Lauren smiled and grabbed Camila's hand, leading her back to the car.

"That was nice, wasn't it?"

"Yeah, it was, can you bring me home?"

"What's wrong? I thought we were gonna get something to eat?"

"Yeah, I just want to go home."

"Okay."


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi ily you're all lovely human beans ❤️❤️

It had been three days since Camila had spoken to Lauren. Lauren had no idea what she did wrong. She texted Camila every day, but she didn't hear anything from her. She was worried, seriously worried and she should have gone to Camila's house to check on her, but because she was settling into her condo, she didn't have the time.

She was settled in now, though. Well, for the most part. She moved all of the stuff from her room into her condo, but she didn't have a chance to do any laundry so she didn't have any sheets or blankets clean. It wasn't exactly a problem, but she wanted to get new ones since her old ones were plain white, and they wouldn't match the light blue walls in her new room.

She was going to ask Camila to help her decorate, but she didn't want to overstep and text her too many times. She still did want Camila to help her, after all, that's why she hasn't gone anywhere to buy anything for the condo yet. She wanted to do it together.

On a somewhat brighter note, she'd been officially emancipated and no longer has to deal with her parents. She didn't know when she was going to start school again. She was most likely going to call her school this week and have a meeting to find out what they wanted her to do. It's not like she was taking many classes, anyway. 

Everything was going well, except for her and Camila. And Lauren felt extra shitty because Valentine's Day is just around the corner, literally, it was tomorrow. She wanted to do something for Camila, she wanted to make Valentine's Day special for the both of them, but it didn't look like that was happening.

She sat on her sheet-less bed alone, wishing Camila was with her. She felt empty. So she texted Camila.

Lauren 7:03 PM: I'm sorry if I did something. I don't know what I did and I wish you would talk to me so we can figure this out, I miss you a lot.

Lauren 7:38 PM: Please just answer me, please I need to know if you're okay

Lauren 7:55 PM: I'm calling you, please pick up

Lauren hit the call button and the phone rang six times, she was about to hang up, but that's when she heard Camila say hi.

"Are you okay?????" Lauren said, both confused and worried.

"I'm fine."

"Then why didn't you answer me?"

"I don't know."

"Just tell me."

"I don't know, ok? I've been sleeping a lot and I haven't taken my medicine and  I have missed you but I haven't wanted to talk to anyone. You didn't do anything, I'm just having mood swings and I don't know why and I'm sorry I'm doing this to you because you don't deserve this."

"Please stop. Please. It's going to get better, I'm going to make sure it gets better, ok? Why aren't you taking your medicine?"

"My mom won't let me, she thinks I'm fine and that I don't need it. I don't know where she keeps it so I can't take it."

"Fuck, she can't do that, she's not allowed to do that. Have you seen your doctor?"

"Yeah, but my mom just talks for me and says everything is good and that I'm taking my medicine, which is a lie."

"You have to say something about it."

"I don't want to make her mad... she gets really... Gross when she's mad. And I get scared."

"You have to say something; I won't let anything bad happen to you. When's your next appointment?"

"Tuesday at 3."

"She obviously knows, right?"

"Yeah."

"So just tell her they rescheduled it for during the day, and that I'll take you, but we'll really just go at 3 without her. It'll be fine, ok? I'll be there with you, everything will be okay."

"Are you sure I'm not too much for you?"

"Please, no, you're not. I want to help you; I wish I had someone to help me before everything got really bad. But you have to be want to help yourself too, I can't be the one trying to help you if you don't want to get better, that's like feeding a dead fish. I don't mean if you're having a rough day or you need to cry, or something is wrong and you're feeling bad, I'll be here for all of that; I'll help through all of that. If you really do want to get better and you're ready to get better, then I'm here for you."

"I want to get better."

"Okay. Can we do something for Valentine's tomorrow?"

"Oh, yeah, I totally forgot Valentine's is tomorrow."

"Well we don't have to do anything, you don't have to see me or anything, I'm okay with waiting to see you until Tuesday and until you figure everything out."

"No, I want to spend Valentine's with you."

"Okay, well, I'm gonna go but you can text me if you want to. I'll see you tomorrow, babe." 

"Goodnight."

Lauren let Camila hang up first because she didn't like being the person who hung up first. It wasn't just with Camila, it was with everyone. It made her feel weird. 

It was around 8:45 and Lauren was panicking because she had no idea what she was going to do for tomorrow. She figured that Camila most likely wouldn't want to go out anywhere, and frankly, neither did Lauren, but that was besides the point. 

She didn't know what she should do for Valentine's Day. She didn't know what Camila likes to do. She felt like she knew Camila but she didn't really know her. She didn't know her favorite movie or her favorite day of the week. She doesn't know what kind of pajamas she liked wearing, she doesn't know what Camila did when she was bored, she doesn't know Camila's favorite kind of chocolate or candy or if she even likes chocolate or candy, she doesn't know anything about her except for the fact that she liked bananas and pizza and Lauren. And Lauren knows she doesn't know anything about Camila. And if she doesn't know anything about her, how can she love her?

Maybe she doesn't love her. Maybe she's just infatuated with the idea of a girlfriend and a relationship. 

Lauren paced around the house, not knowing what to do. Not only about Valentine's, but about everything in general. Of course she wanted this with Camila. She wanted this more than anything. But what if she's just projecting her abandonment issues onto Camila and trying to save Camila because nobody saved her?

  

It was late and she knew that Camila had only been in her life for a little over a week, but who's to say that you can't fall for someone that quick? But they both obviously have some clear abandonment issues and emotional issues that might be the reason why Lauren thinks she's in love. But she didn't love her. She cared for her; she liked her a lot. 

  

 

  

It's only normal for her to feel so caught up in the moment of actually being with someone, actually having someone that reciprocates her feelings. So, no, maybe she didn't love Camila, maybe she loved the idea of her. Maybe she did love her. Maybe not. Probably not. But she's starting to.

  

 

  

Regardless, Lauren had to figure out what to do for tomorrow. 

  

After a few hours of having her existential crisis, realising how irrational she was thinking, she decided that she was going to attempt to cook for Camila. Lauren figured that pasta was the easiest thing to cook. Also, Camila would be crazy not to like pasta, because who doesn't like pasta? Everyone likes pasta.

It was too late to go get groceries anywhere because everything was closed, so she had to make a list of what she needed because she knows she'll forget something while shopping tomorrow.

She entered her list into her phone:

·      Pasta, sauce, cheese??, bread, chicken?? Frozen? candles (pretty ones), chocolate, candy (just get everything), PLATES

She realised halfway into the list that she didn't have any food or drinks or plates or cups or anything that someone is supposed to have in their house. She'd been eating takeout and drinking too much soda and she barely even had water in the house. The only things she actually had were a few bottles of water and leftover Chinese food.

She was splitting, and not about what she was gonna feed Camila or what she was gonna get her for Valentine's Day, but because she didn't know if this was going to be okay. She didn't know if she and Camila were right for each other or if they were going to make it because of how fucked up they both were. 

And it isn't like Lauren didn't want to be with Camila; she wanted to be with her more than anything. She was scared and she's been hurt and left by so many people that she might not be able to handle someone hurting her or leaving her. At least not any time soon. She thought maybe they'd rushed into this, that maybe they should have stayed friends and they shouldn't have kissed or spent all this time together. Maybe it would be better if they were just friends.

She picked her phone up and dialed Camila's number but didn't press the call button. What was she going to say? That she couldn't do this? That she's afraid to get hurt? That she thinks they're moving too fast? When really the truth is she's falling for her and doesn't want to fall too fast again?

She locked her phone and threw it at her door and started crying. She wasn't exactly upset; she just didn't want to deal with anything because she could feel an episode coming on. And she wasn't going to try to stop it because she was out of energy. So she was just going to let it happen.  It wasn't because of Camila; it was because of her feelings. Yeah, Camila was the one causing these feelings, but it was Lauren's fault for responding the way she does.

She went into the bathroom and grabbed her bottle of Xanax and a razor and took them into her room with her. There were tears still falling down her face and she didn't want to die, she just wanted to chill the fuck out for once. She could call Camila but she isn't exactly the type of person to make rational decisions in these type of situations. But she also didn't want to start being toxic again. 

She held the cold, shiny razor between her fingertips; she more than anything wanted to draw blood from her wrists. That's all she wanted. That's all she needed to do, and she'd be ok. Everything would stop hurting. She let go of the razor and picked up her bottle of pills. She screwed the white cap off and poured all of the little bar shaped pills into her pale hands. She was shaking. She didn't want to die. She wasn't planning on killing herself. 

She felt guilty for not only letting herself get this upset, but also for needing to take the pills. It's not like the Xanax wasn't prescribed to her. That's why it was prescribed, because she gets crazy sometimes. So she took twice as much as she was supposed to take because she desperately needed to calm herself down.

She put the bottle back into her room and buried the razor at the bottom of the trash in the kitchen. She shouldn't have even kept her razors, but she felt like she had to; like they were some sort of safety blanket that wouldn't allow her to exist without them.

Lauren picked up her phone from her bedroom floor and to her surprise, she had a text from Camila.

Camila 10:53 PM: Goodnight, sleep well 


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay hi i've tried uploading this like 5 different times and idk what to do because it keeps getting cut off??? and idk why, i contacted support so hopefully it'll stop??? idk but i love yall   
> update: it was bc my dumbass put fuckin emojis in there IM DUMB ok i love u all anyways enjoy :)))

The bright sun poking out of the cracks of Lauren’s window unpleasantly woke her up. She groaned, rubbed her eyes, and pulled her phone off of the charger. Orange is the New Black was still playing on her TV, and it was only 9 in the morning. Her head was still groggy from the Xanax and she felt dumb for having a fit last night. Naturally, she wanted to sleep more, but what she absolutely needed to do was get up and go buy everything she needed for tonight. 

She hadn’t gotten any texts from Camila; she probably wasn’t even awake yet. She texted her anyways.

Lauren, 9:14 AM: good morning baby, happy valentine’s day, I’m glad you’re mine

Lauren waited a few minutes to get off the couch in case Camila texted her or something. She didn’t, so Lauren went into her room and dug through all of boxes to find some clothes. She decided on a red and blue plaid shirt, black jeans, a grey beanie, and her beat up doc martens. The ultimate lesbian aesthetic. There was so much shit everywhere, clothes were all over her room, boxes half empty from her digging through them; everything was everywhere. She cracked her knuckles and sighed. She needed to get her shit together. 

She still had to call her school to figure out what she was going to do, if she was going to do anything. It’s not like she didn’t want to graduate, of course she did, she just wasn’t sure if she was going to be able to handle everything right now. She wasn’t doing anything that would complicate her life, it was just the overwhelming feeling of having to get everything done before graduation, even more so because she missed over a month of school.

Lauren went to Target to buy everything she needed. She even bought bedding stuff so she could actually sleep in her own bed tonight. Camila hadn’t texted her back yet, it was almost 12 and Lauren was getting overly worried.

Lauren, 11:49 AM: you okay?

Lauren sighed, turned her ringer on and turned off do not disturb in hopes that Camila would text her back soon. She put all of the groceries away and left all of the stuff she bought for Camila spread out on her counter; she wasn’t going to do anything or get anything ready if Camila wasn’t coming over. 

She almost forgot that not everyone had the luxury of staying home like she did. She called her school to set up a meeting about school and what she was going to have to do in order to graduate. They scheduled the meeting for 11:30 tomorrow morning. And it figures, because they’ll do anything to get her back to school sooner rather than later. Lauren hated that shit, but she was almost done with it, so she wasn’t going to protest.

Lauren decided she better put her sheets and whatnot on her bed, even though she liked sleeping on the couch. It wasn’t because the living room had a tv, her room had a TV too, but there was something she liked about sleeping on the couch. Maybe it was because it made her feel less lonely because there wasn’t an empty space next to her on the couch while she was laying down.

Her sheets were dark blue with a weird flower pattern on them, and her comforter was the same. She didn’t bother with putting pillowcases on, they’d just fall off anyway. She went back into the living room and turned her Xbox on to play Black Ops 3, but that’s when she heard her phone ding.

Camila, 12:23 PM: hi. sorry, I just woke up

Lauren, 12:24 PM: it’s ok, I was worried, how are you feeling?  
Camila, 12:25 PM: I’m just tired. sleepy but also because my mom won’t stop telling me I’m fucked up and it’s making me want to die even more than I already do

Lauren, 12:27 PM: you’re not going to hurt yourself are you? You can come over; you can stay over if you want to or if you need to. That’s what im here for. Im here for you, camz, you know that and if you aren’t feeling up to it you don’t have to come over today, we don’t have to do anything.

Camila, 12:30 PM: no, I want to come over. can I sleep over? 

Lauren, 12:31 PM: of course, you don’t even have to ask, you can literally just come over and stay whenever. when do you want me to come get you? 

Camila, 12:32 PM: whenever you’re ready to, i just have to get clothes together. I’m sorry in advance bc i look really gross and I don’t feel like changing

Lauren, 12:33 PM: shut up, I’m sure you look beautiful, I’ll text you when I’m on my way

Camila, 12:34 PM: okay

Lauren didn’t expect Camila to want to come over this early so she semi panicked, she was nervous because she didn’t even clean up the crap around the place. It looks like a tornado came through and ripped everything apart, literally. She pulled her beanie off and ran her hands through her hair, wishing that she’d just stop getting so nervous about everything.

Lauren, 12:40 PM: wait, do you like pasta?

Camila, 12:41 PM: who doesn’t????

Lauren wasn’t the best cook in the world, but she knew how to follow directions and boil water, so she figured this was going to be easy. She didn’t bother getting anything else to eat besides for pasta, sauce, ice cream, and an abundant amount of candy. She probably bought $40 worth of candy. If anything went wrong, at least she’d have candy to eat while crying.  
Lauren stopped at CVS to get Camila a cheesy valentine’s day card, a stuffed bear that said “be mine,” and a bouquet of roses. It was generic and cheesy, but who didn’t love getting cheesy stuff for Valentine’s day? That’s the point. She found a pen in her car and quickly signed the card with “Love, Lauren.” And before she realized she wrote “love” she sealed the envelope. She already drove away so it’s not like she was going to go back in to get another card. Maybe Camila wouldn’t even notice.

Lauren, 5:38 PM: “I’m here” 

Literally right when Lauren hit send, Camila came running out of the house with her backpack and minion pajamas.

“Why are you wearing those?” Lauren said, driving away from Camila’s house.

“I told you I didn’t want to change and I told you I looked like shit.”

“Do you actually like minions?”

“No, well, kinda, I don’t know. Me and Sofi have matching pajamas and minions are her favorite, so it’s not like I went out of my way to buy myself minion pajamas or anything. Do you not like them or something?”

“Well, no one really likes minions besides for old wine moms on facebook and little kids, but I guess there are a few teenagers who actually like them. It’s cute that you’re that close with Sofi. It’s nice for her to have someone to look up to like that. Does your mom know you’re staying over?”

“Yeah, she does. Sofi looks up to me, a lot, and I wish I wasn’t like this. Like, so messed up, I don’t want her to be like this when she gets older, you know? And when she’s older I won’t be around, I’ll be at college, hopefully. I just want her to stay little sometimes. Maybe that way she won’t know what it’s like to hurt like this.”

“You can’t keep her safe forever though. I know you want to, but you know it’s not possible. And I know, you wish you had someone to keep you safe and sheltered and so you just wanna do that for her. But you can’t, you just have to make sure you’re there for her and make sure she knows she’s loved.”

“I know, thank you.” Camila grabbed Lauren’s hand and squeezed it. They were at Lauren’s and they both went inside.

The first thing Camila saw was all the candy spread out all over the counter. Kit Kats, m&ms, sour patch kids, air heads, Reese’s, heart shaped candy, Swedish fish, and almost every single kind of candy the store had.

“Holy shit, Laur! I’ve never seen so much candy in front of my face before!” Camila shouted, running over to hug Lauren.

“You’re so cute. I didn’t know what to get, so I got everything. It’s better to have too much than not enough, right? Also I’m sorry my place is still very… plain. I’m sorry, I didn’t know what to do yet, plus I’ve only been here three days. Do you want to eat?”

“When do I not want to eat?”

“True, but I just figured I should ask.”

Camila started to open a kit kat.

“I meant pasta.”

“Oh. Well, yes I want pasta, but I’m also gonna eat the kit kat because I already opened it.”

“What kind of pasta? I bought like every single kind there was.”

“Uhh, spaghetti is good! I’ll eat anything.”  
After they finished eating, Camila laid down on her back on the couch, but scrunched her legs up enough so that there was a space for Lauren to sit. Lauren laughed and put pillows behind Camila and draped a blanket over her so she’d be comfortable.

“Do you want to watch TV or something?”

“Yeah, actually, do you have Netflix? I wanna watch Orange is the New Black. My mom won’t let me have Netflix, let alone watch a show that’s gay as hell like that.”

“That’s my favorite show! Of course we can watch it, you can use my Netflix any time you want to, too.”

“You don’t mind starting the show over?”

“No, I never get tired of watching it.”

Lauren sat at the end of the couch facing Camila, but turned slightly enough so she could still see the TV. Camila was overly focused on watching Orange is the New Black, so she didn’t notice that Lauren was staring at her eyes. Lauren didn’t know how the hell Camila couldn’t tell she was staring at her eyes, but she didn’t care because she absolutely loved staring at Camila, in a non-creepy way, of course. She was the most breathtaking girl that Lauren had ever seen and Lauren had spent way too much of her time staring at other girls. But Camila was different.

She never realized how beautiful brown eyes were. A lot of people have brown eyes; she thought they were all the same boring dark brown color where the pupil was barely visible. But Camila’s eyes, they were different. There were a million different shades of brown – so many shades that she didn’t even know existed. She never noticed the ripples of brown around her pupils, how it looked like there was a galaxy inside of her eyes that was ready to combust at any second. She hadn’t realized until now that her favorite eyes were Camila’s eyes. She would have given anything in that moment to be the only two people inside of the galaxy in her eyes, so neither of them would have to get up and face the repercussions of the world. She wanted to keep her sheltered and safe from the world, but she knew that wasn’t possible.  
It was 2 in the morning and they’d watched almost 4 episodes, so naturally Camila was getting tired. Lauren didn’t mind watching it over, but she did get bored and ended up scrolling mindlessly on Tumblr. It’s entertaining for a little, but it ends up making her emo after a while. 

“Do you want to go to sleep?”

“What time is it?” 

“2:30.”

“Oh, that explains why I’m kinda tired and my eyelids feel like they’re gonna close any second.”

“Do you want me to get you any more pillows or another blanket? Or I can sleep out here and you can sleep in my bed, it doesn’t matter to me.”

“Can’t I just sleep in your bed with you?”

“Oh, yeah, of course, I didn’t know if you’d want to, I didn’t know if that’d be too much or like, too soon or something.”

“We literally slept in the same bed after knowing each other for like three days.”

“Okay, you’re right, but still!” Lauren turned the TV off and grabbed Camila’s hand and lead her to her room.

Lauren’s bed was up against the wall, as per usual, and Camila laid against the wall, even though Lauren made it very clear that that was her side of the bed.

“Oh, fuck, I forgot, I’ll move.” Camila said.

“No, it’s okay, I’ll get over it, I just want to be next to you. Do you need anything, like a drink or something?” 

“No, I’m okay.”

Lauren turned the light off and got into bed with Camila and Camila wrapped her arms around Lauren like it was some type of reflex.

“I think I love you.” Camila whispered.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm a butt, bc the next chapter is kinda the last one bc i've been so busy at college. it's not the LAST one, i'll be writing when i can, it's just not going to be frequent updates, and if that's okay with you guys it's ok with me :)

"What?" Lauren whispered.

"I said I think I love you."

"Uh, no, I heard that."

"Oh, um, okay, I'll just like...sleep on the couch." Camila said, getting up from Lauren's bed. Her neck cracked and she shivered. Her feet hit the cold hardwood floor and she stood in the hallway for a second and looked back at Lauren, though she could barely see her. She was hoping Lauren would get up and tell her she loved her, too, or at least get up and stop her from sleeping on the couch alone.

"Okay." Lauren immediately regretted what she said. She wanted to get up and stop Camila, but something was preventing her from doing so. She didn't want to say it back. It's not like she didn't feel it, too, but she wasn't entirely sure. And it's not like Camila said she definitely loved her, she said she thought she loved her.

Camila paced around the living room.

Back and forth. Back and forth. Back and forth.

Lauren knew Camila wasn't sleeping. She knew Camila wasn't going to sleep until they talked about this. But Lauren wasn't one to talk about her feelings, hence why she spent the past 17 years bottling them up until she exploded.

Ten minutes went by before Lauren decided it would be best if she got up to talk to Camila. Camila was still pacing around the living room and Lauren was worried that Camila wasn't going to calm down.

"Camila." Lauren said, standing in the kitchen, not sure if she should walk into the living room where Camila was. Camila didn't answer, she just continued to pace.

"Camila, please talk to me." Lauren walked closer to Camila, but not close enough to hug her.

"No." Camila stopped pacing and faced Lauren. They were both standing at opposite sides of the living room; Lauren near the kitchen, Camila near the TV.

"You're talking to me now."

"Lauren."

"Can we just talk about this?" Lauren started to walk towards Camila, but Camila just backed up closer to the TV.

"I don't know what you want to talk about. Do you want to talk about the fact that you let me walk out and that I was going to sleep on the couch? Or do you want to talk about the fact that I told you I loved you and you literally said nothing? You completely acted like I didn't say anything."

"Um." Lauren started to fidget with the one of the many bracelets on her wrist, the rainbow braided one to be exact. "Well. For starters, I thought you wanted to sleep on the couch, I mean, you're the one who said it... it's not like I told you to sleep on the couch. It's not like I wanted you to go."

"But you didn't stop me."

"Okay, but, I'm stopping you now."

"Look, Lauren, I don't want to fight about this. Like I really don't."

"You think you love me, you don't love me, it's been like... barely 2 weeks. You don't love me; you love the idea of me." Lauren let go of her bracelet and put her hands by her sides, letting out a long sigh.

"I love you. I know it hasn't been long, but I love you. Please don't tell me that I don't love you, because I love you, Lauren. I know you're scared; I'm scared too. I know you don't want to get your heart broken; I don't want to get my heart broken either. I know we just got out of the hospital and I'm not in a stable place, you're not in a stable place, but that doesn't change how I feel about you. I know we just met. I don't expect you to tell me you love me back and that's ok if you don't love me. But I love you, and I need you to know that. I could've waited, yeah, but I didn't want to. It felt like the right moment to tell you."

Lauren opened her mouth, but no words came out. She wanted so desperately to say something, to respond to Camila. But no matter how much she tried to speak, no words were coming out. She felt her stomach turn into a million different knots, so many knots that she wouldn't be able to untangle them even if she tried to.

Lauren's hands were sweating, even more so than when she had to give a presentation. It's not that she was having crippling anxiety – it was just that she really didn't want to talk about this right now. She didn't want to talk about any of this, any time soon. She wanted it to not have to be talked about for a long time. She didn't want it to have to be talked about, she wanted it to happen, slowly but surely, but it wasn't happening slowly but surely. Because neither of them knew how to feel anything slowly.

However, it wasn't something that could be brushed off and act like it didn't happen. Because it wasn't like Lauren didn't feel it, too. Lauren felt it, she felt it too much to stay silent about it. Lauren was falling hard and fast for Camila. Except Camila didn't know that, and Lauren didn't want Camila to know that.

Lauren took a deep breath, seeing that Camila wasn't going to say anything again.

"There's...There's no possible way you could love me right now. You didn't know my favorite movie or my favorite day of the week. You don't know what kind of pajamas I like wearing, you don't know what I do when I'm bored. You don't know my favorite kind of chocolate or candy, or if I even like chocolate or candy. You don't know anything about me besides the fact that I'm crazy and that I like you. If you don't know anything about me, how can you love me?"

Lauren continued. "And, what if you just think you love me? Or what if you just love the idea of me? I think you love the idea of me, or you love not being lonely, or you love that someone's there for you. Or you just love the feeling of being with someone – being in a relationship with someone. Because I don't think you love me. I mean, don't get me wrong – it's not like I don't feel it too-" Lauren got cut off by Camila.

"You love me too?" Camila half mumbled.

"I-I, well, no I didn't say that-"

"You said you felt 'it' too."

"Yes, I meant-"

"You love me." Camila said, walking closer to Lauren, but she stopped at the couch so they were about two feet away from each other.

"You love me." Camila repeated. "You love me." She said again.

"I didn't-" Lauren said, trying to back up from Camila, but her back hit the edge of the counter, preventing her from backing up any more than she already had.

"Maybe I am just in love with the idea of you. Maybe I just love not being alone. Maybe I love just having someone there for me. Or,

maybe, maybe I know what I'm saying and what I'm feeling and maybe just maybe I do love you. And maybe you love me too."

Lauren looked down and let out a long sigh before looking back up at Camila's eyes. They were dark brown, almost so dark that she couldn't pinpoint where her pupils were.

"I do love you. I love you, Camila." Lauren let out a sigh of relief. Although she was relieved, she still felt an overwhelming rush of feelings that caused a tear to trickle down her cheek.

Camila walked closer to Lauren and wrapped her arms around Lauren's waist, squeezing her ever so slightly. She rested her head on Lauren's shoulder and Lauren leaned back into the counter.

"I'm not Vero. I'm not going anywhere. I'm here. I love you, Lauren. I'll be here as long as you want me to. I'm not going to leave, ok? I know it hasn't been long. I know I don't know what the future holds for either of us and I can't predict whether or not we'll be together in 30 years, but I hope that we are. Right now, I'm here, I'm staying. You're not going to be alone; I know you're terrified of being alone. But you aren't alone." Camila proceeded to wipe Lauren's tears from her cheek, and Lauren responded in a sniffle accompanied with a small sigh.

"It just hasn't been that long. I mean I love you. But it hasn't been long. And I don't want it to be messed up because we said I love you too soon." Lauren said, letting Camila go so that they were a few inches apart, face to face.

"We fall too fast and too hard. I get it, you get it. We're okay right now. We're good right now. Let's just take it day by day, yeah? It'll be okay."

Lauren leaned in for another hug, but was interrupted by Camila's lips clashing with hers. It felt different, for both of them. It felt like more of a promise rather than just a kiss. And that's exactly what it was: a promise.

"Can we go to sleep?" Camila asked.

"Yes, I'll see you in the morning." Lauren chuckled.

"What? You're really making me sleep on the couch?"

"Yeah, you said you wanted to?"

"Okay."

"I'm kidding, let's go to sleep."

"God, you're annoying." Camila jokingly said, then proceeded to lightly whack Lauren in the arm while laughing.

"I know. But you love me." Lauren smiled at Camila and Camila grabbed Lauren's hand In response and went into Lauren's room.

Camila got in bed first and got under the blanket. Lauren turned the light off again, got under the blanket, and faced Camila. This time Lauren put her arms around Camila, embracing her in a awkwardly positioned hug.

"I'm sorry about tonight." Lauren whispered.

"I know. It's okay." Camila replied, placing a gentle kiss on Lauren's lips. Lauren turned over on her back so that Camila could cuddle up next to her. Even though she despised sleeping on her back, she just wanted to be close to Camila.

"Before you drift off into your sleep, I'm just letting you know I have a meeting with school tomorrow at 11:30, if you want you can come. If not, you can stay here, I don't mind, I'll get you food either way."

"I'll go, if you want me to? I don't want to be a burden or anything?"

"You can come, and then we'll go to the doctors for your medicine and all of that."

"Okay. Goodnight." Camila whispered.

"Goodnight." Lauren was smiling, Camila could hear it in her voice. She placed a kiss on Camila's nose before closing her eyes and drifting off into a deep sleep.

"So how'd it go?" Camila asked, getting up from the most uncomfortable bench in the world after waiting for an hour outside of the principal's office.

"Yeah, it was alright. They're letting me finish all of my classes online, and I don't have to do my senior project. They basically just want me to pass my classes so I can graduate. I don't think they want to deal with my wrath for another year. Plus, they know I'm more than capable of passing my classes, like they know my intelligence isn't an issue. They know I want to die, and I guess they don't want to worsen it." Lauren explained in full detail, then led Camila back to the parking lot her car was in.

Camila stood outside of Lauren's car, wondering if she should even address the fact that Lauren just said she'd want to die. Lauren didn't get inside of the car, either, naturally only because Camila was standing outside of it, too, and she didn't want to simply leave her there standing and staring out at nothing.

"Can I..." Camila paused shortly and took a deep breath. "Ask something?"

"What?"

"When you said you wanted to die... Did you... Like I know... You meant it... but like..."

"No, Camz, I didn't mean it like, literally." Lauren unlocked the car and got in.

"I meant it like... I do want to die; you know like it's always going to be there. No matter what, it'll just be in the back of my head. Like no matter what, it's always there. It's comforting, I guess, but it's also because it's just there. I don't know how to explain it. But I know what you're asking, I don't want to actually die, I'm not going to kill myself, or try to anyway. You don't have to worry about that, I promise you. What I did was stupid, it was incredibly idiotic of me and although it wasn't my best choice, I don't regret doing it. I needed help and I got it. But do not worry. I'm not going to try anything like that again, I promise you." Lauren explained.

And instead of Lauren getting emotional and crying, Camila was the one who was about to cry. Lauren drove off and Camila just sat there, she didn't want Lauren to see her crying, but she honestly couldn't help the tear that trickled down her face.

"No, Camila, please don't cry. Tell me what's wrong?" Lauren placed her hand on top of Camila's.

"I just don't want to lose you." Camila squeezed Lauren's hand as hard as she possibly could, never wanting to let go.

"You aren't going to lose me. I swear to god, you aren't going to lose me."


	17. Chapter 17

_**hi hello it's me again back 2 writing. college is rough but i have no friends so i have free time lmao** _

"Do you want me to go inside with you or do you want to do this alone?" Lauren asked, turning off the ignition and pulling her keys out.

"Can you come in and just wait with me? I'll go see the doctor alone but I want you to wait with me, if you don't mind."

"Of course I will baby." The word baby rolled out of Lauren's mouth like she'd said it a million times before, like it was meant to be said.

They both got out of the car and Lauren clicked the button on her keys to lock the car. Lauren walked around to the other side of the car and Camila pressed her lips against Lauren's and then proceeded to hold her hand.

"Thank you." Camila said, kissing her again.

"You don't have to thank me; I just want you to be okay."

They walked up the steps while holding hands. The psychiatrist's office was inside of a house, so it felt a little bit more homey than a traditional doctor's office. Which was nice, because it eased some of both of their anxieties.

Camila checked in at the desk and they both proceeded to

Camila entered the psychiatrist's office, the office walls were lined with plain brown paint and white leather chairs. She sat in the one closest to the door, partly because she was nervous, and partly because she thought she could get out of there quicker by sitting in that particular chair.

"So, Camila, how are you feeling?" The doctor asked, his French accent extremely noticeable, so noticeable Camila almost couldn't make out what he was saying.

"Oh, um. I'm really depressed lately. I keep sleeping. I don't want to do anything really. But my g-" Camila paused for a second and stopped herself from saying the word 'girlfriend', she didn't want him to feel any differently towards her for being gay. "M-my friend really helps and tries to get me to leave the house. Sometimes it works, other times I can't bear the thought of getting out of bed."

"Well, that's good that she helps you... Do you feel better when you get out of the house?"

"Yeah, I do. I mean, I still do feel depressed. But it's less when I'm not home. I live with my parents and younger sister. Don't get me wrong or anything, I love my sister to death and I would do absolutely anything for her. My mom on the other hand, well, she's not very supportive of everything that's going on." Camila explained, cracking all of her fingers one by one. Her hands were starting to sweat, so she wiped her palms on her dark blue jeans.

"Why do you say she's not supportive?" Her doctor asked, furrowing his eyebrows.

"She took my medicine. She won't let me take it. I don't know where she put it."

"I'll send over a new prescription. Your insurance may or may not cover it, I'm not entirely sure."

 

"Okay, thank you."

 

 

"I'll see you next week; we'll discuss your dosage of medicine then."

 

 

"Okay."

 

 

Camila scheduled her appointment for the same time next week.

********

 

"Did you tell him about your anxiety?" Lauren asked while they were on their way to CVS.

"No, I was too worried about the whole medicine thing."

"Okay, that's okay." Lauren turned the car off and pulled her keys out of the ignition. "Do you want me to come in?"

 

"No, it's okay."

********

 

"Hi, can I help you?" The short pale pharmacist asked, a forced smile grew across her face.

"Um, yeah, I need to pick up my medicine." Camila gripped the edge of the counter, not knowing what to say because she'd never picked up her own medicine before; it was all so new to her.

"Name? Date of birth?" The pharmacist said, slightly rolling her eyes because she didn't want to have to deal with someone who didn't know what they were doing; it was a waste of her time.

"Oh. Camila Cabello, three, three, nineteen ninety-seven."

"Yep, you have one here. Zoloft?"

"Yeah."

The pharmacist sighed and went to dig through the bin marked "c." She grabbed the white paper bag and brought it back to the counter to ring it up.

"Do you have a CVS card?"

"No."

"You can sign up for one if you want?"

"No thank you, I'm good."

"Okay it'll be $34.57."

Camila furrowed her brow because she obviously didn't think it was going to cost  _that_  much

money. She knew nothing about her insurance whatsoever, but she didn't know medicine was

actually so expensive, especially for something like Zoloft. Which led her to the thought that

she couldn't imagine how expensive life-saving medicines were; it's all just so fucked up.

"Uh, my insurance won't cover it?"

"No."

"Okay, well, I can't get it right now, I'll be back."

 

"Okay." The pharmacist said, clearly annoyed and having an attitude.

********

 

Camila got in the car and buckled her seatbelt.

"Where's your medicine?" Lauren asked, searching for the white bag that was supposed to be in Camila's hand.

"My insurance won't cover it, so I can't get it. She said it was going to be $34.57, and I don't have any money to buy it, so I can't get it. It's too early to fill the prescription because we just filled it when I got out of the hospital.

"Here." Lauren said, pulling out two twenty dollar bills.

"No, Lauren, I can't take your money, I'm not your responsibility."

"You need your medicine. If you don't go in there and get it, I will. Either way I'm paying for it. I'm not gonna let you go without your medicine because, no offense, your mom is an ass and so is insurance companies. If I had any Zoloft I'd give it to you, but I don't have any." She extended her arm again to hand Camila the money, and Camila reluctantly took the money.

 

"Thank you for caring." Camila mumbled and went back inside to get her medicine.

 

Camila went into the CVS and then walked out with the bag in her hand and got in the car, and then Lauren turned the engine over.

 

"Do you want to go home or come to mine?"

 

"Yours."


	18. Chapter 18

**_ohhhh boy, lmao, i'm updating. lmao. i'm bored and i've decided to update. also, there's some self harm in this chapter so i'm givin u a lil warning! but. yes. am i back? maybe. idk._ **

The two of them walked hand in hand into Lauren's apartment. Lauren unlocked the door and immediately got a banana and peeled it and cut it for Camila so she could eat something so she wouldn't be taking her medicine on an empty stomach.

"Here, please eat." Lauren said, handing the plate to Camila.

"You know you don't have to do everything for me, right?"

"I want to, I like to. I mean, unless you don't want me doing that."

"No, I do, I just want you to know that you don't  _have_ to."

"I know I don't have to. Come lay with me on the couch if you want to, when you're done?" Lauren said and then pecked Camila on the lips.

Lauren walked into the living room and put the TV on to watch Orange is the New Black and then sat on the couch, while Camila sat at the counter with a cup of milk, her cut up banana, and her bottle of pills. She was fixated on the fact that she could easily take the whole bottle of pills right then and there. But she didn't want to do that to Lauren, and she wanted to be alive for Lauren. There were just so many pills in the bottle and so many chances for her to disappear and be 6 feet under.

"Camila?" Lauren got up from the couch and walked back over to the counter where Camila was just sitting there staring at the bottle of Zoloft.

"Did you take your dose?"

"No..."

"Why?"

"Because I want to take more than my dose." Camila said, not able to look Lauren in the eye. Lauren immediately grabbed the bottle of pills, unscrewed the cap, and placed a pill on the counter and then put the cap back onto the bottle.

"I'm not going to let you do that. I'm keeping these, and I'll give you your medicine when you need to take it, I'm not letting you kill yourself, Camila." Lauren said.

"Lauren! I'm not a fucking child!" Camila yelled.

"Well you certainly can't be trusted with your pills."

"Give them to me."

"No."

"Give them to me!"

"For what? So you can sit there and think about killing yourself? You don't need them right now, just take the fucking pill and stop!"

"Whatever." Camila said, taking the pill with her milk.

Lauren walked into her room and put Camila's bottle of pills into her top drawer. It was an obvious spot, and Camila would likely find them, but she'll find another spot for them later on when Camila goes home. Lauren walked back out to the kitchen and Camila was still sitting at the counter, with an empty plate and an empty glass. It was almost like she couldn't move. Naturally, Lauren put both her plate and glass into the dishwasher and then sat across from her at the counter.

"How are you going to give me my pills if you don't see me every day?"

"I'll figure it out, I'll come by your house if I have to."

"My mom will get suspicious, I don't need that right now, I can't handle that right now."

"Well, what do you want me to do? What do you want us to do?"

"I don't know."

Lauren sighed and then stared at Camila for a few seconds.

"I want you to be okay, you know that, right? I'm here for you. I am. I'll be here for you no matter what happens, but you've gotta try. I know how hard it is, I really really do but you have to try. You can't just sit there and give up. I can't gauge how hard you're trying because I'm not you and I'm not inside of your head but I'm telling you that you really need to try right now. If I don't think you're okay I  _will_  bring you back to the hospital if I have to. I care about your safety and if you can't promise me that you'll be safe — if you can't promise me that you're going to make an effort to be safe — I'll bring you to the hospital."

"You're overreacting! I don't act like this when there's something wrong with you!"

"Because I'm dealing with it, I'm trying. I'm- I'm suffering, yeah, but I'm not gonna go and kill myself. Do I want to sometimes? Of course I do. But I'm not going to, and I can sit here and tell you that I'm not going to kill myself. But if you can't tell me that you're not going to kill yourself, then I know you're not safe. I'm not overreacting. I don't want you fucking dead. I'm not overreacting."

"Well, then, I'm not going to kill myself."

"You're telling me what I want to hear."

"Whatever. Take me home."

"Okay." There was no point in arguing. Lauren grabbed her keys and stood next to the door. "Let's go."

****

The car ride was silent and awkward. Lauren wanted to tell Camila she was acting like a brat. She wanted to tell her to grow up. But that isn't what Camila needed to hear right now. It's not what would be best for her, and Lauren knew that, so she shut her mouth and drove straight to Camila's house.

Camila got out of the car and didn't say anything to Lauren. Lauren didn't say anything, either. She didn't think anything needed to be said. Frankly, they both needed to think about the situation and think about what's happening between the two of them, because they're both at fault for this.

Camila walked into her house and slammed the door. Sofi was in the living room watching some show, and her mom was in the kitchen cooking for her, as per usual, because Sofi was the favourite. Sofi was also normal. Sofi also didn't cost the family thousands of dollars in hospital bills because she was mentally ill. Then again, Sofi was the favorite before Camila even ended up in the hospital.

"Camila — where have you been?" Sinu asked, before Camila had the chance to sneak upstairs.

"Lauren's."

"Oh, how is she? Is she doing better?"

"Yeah."

"Oh, that's good! Tell her I'm glad she's doing better! Why don't you have some food, honey; I bet you're hungry. Get your sister as well." Sinu said.

Camila was weary, because her mom isn't usually nice like this. Camila called Sofi to the table and then started putting food on her plate, sighed, and thought about how much happier she'd be at Lauren's. Living with Lauren. Being with Lauren. Spending all of her time with Lauren. Of course, her and Lauren hadn't discussed this, but she knew that Lauren wouldn't mind her moving in. Right?

"I'm moving in with Lauren. I love her." Camila said while continuing to put food onto her plate.

"No, you're not, I'm not having you move in with her and continue to live that lifestyle. You're 17. You don't know what life is about. You don't love her. You don't know what love is. I'm not allowing you to move in with her."

"You don't even want me around here." Camila rested her plate onto the table and then grabbed Sofi's, putting a little less food on her plate than she did her own.

Sinu eyed Camila, which meant that she didn't want to speak about this while they were all eating dinner. But, Camila didn't want to wait to talk about it. She needed to talk about it now.

"I don't know what the big deal is, you don't even want me here. We all know it." Camila said while making direct eye contact with her mom.

"Fine. Go. I don't want to hear it when you two break up and your life falls apart again. I love you, mija, you know this, but not if you're going to do this. Not if you're going to act like this."

Camila pressed her lips together and got up. She carried her plate to the sink to rinse it off and then put it into the dishwasher.

"I love you, Sofi." Camila kissed the top of Sofi's head. "I'm sorry."

Camila hugged Sofi and walked back upstairs, but stopped at the top step and instead sat down. Soft came running upstairs after her and Camila pulled her into her lap, quickly realizing that Sofi was crying.

"Why are you leaving?" Sofia said between sniffles. It broke Camila's heart to see Sofi this upset, but... Camila wanted to be happy. She wanted to be with Lauren.

"Because I don't— I can't be around mom anymore, ok? I'll come to visit you all of the time. It won't be any different than when I sleep over at Lauren's house.. I'll only be there a little longer." 

"Promise you'll come see me?" Sofi said while holding out her pinky finger.

"I promise," Camila wrapped her pinky finger around Sofi's. "Now, go finish eating and I'm gonna go pack my stuff. I love you." She kissed Sofi on the head again, and then Sofi went running downstairs to finish eating.

***

As Camila packed her stuff up, she got a little sad because she was leaving Sofi, but she was mostly angry because of what her mom said. The lifestyle she's choosing to live? As if Camila  _chose_  to love Lauren. As if Camila chose any of this. As if she wanted any of this to be as complicated as it was. There's no way in hell she would rather love anyone else besides for Lauren, but she didn't choose this. She didn't choose to make it harder on herself.

She started to cry, she was so angry. She was shoving all of her clothes into her pink and black backpack. She was tearing her room apart trying to find everything she wanted to take with her. She didn't even care what she brought at this point, she just needed to be out of the house, she couldn't be here any longer.

While she was frantically going through her stuff and shoving her last pair of socks into her backpack, she knocked over the small wooden box on her dresser, and her blades fell out of the box and onto the floor. She stood there, thinking about it. Thinking about how she could just end it all. She didn't want to. But she thought about it, and it was consuming her.

She picked the blade up off the group and pressed the blade to her skin. She waited a few seconds, and dragged the blade across her wrist and pressed down harder than she should have. It wasn't harder than she meant to do. She meant to do it. She kept making deep cuts on her wrist, none of them deep enough to kill her, but deep enough to leave bigger scars.

She just stood there, her arm literally covered in blood. She was frozen, she couldn't move. She knew she wasn't going to bleed out. But, fuck, was there a lot of blood. There was so much blood. She grabbed a towel from her closet and wrapped it around her arm. She was shaking like crazy, and she went to grab her phone. She dialed Lauren's number, hoping she'd pick up.

"Hello?" Lauren answered.

"L-Lauren, I fucked up," Camila said weakly.

"No, no Camila what did you do? Are you okay? What happened?"

"Can you p-please come get me? I'm sorry about before, I'm sorry, I love you, can you just please come get me?" Camila said while crying.

"I'll be right there, like two minutes, I'll be right there, you're gonna be okay."

Luckily, Lauren was already in her car driving around, so she quickly made her way to Camila's house. When she got to Camila's house, Camila was standing outside of her house with her backpack on and her arm still wrapped in a bloody towel.

"Camila..." Lauren said, opening the car door for her.

"Look, I know... I know."


End file.
